


An Alien Conception

by catisacat



Series: An Alien Collection [2]
Category: Borderlands
Genre: Alien Biology, Alien Culture, Other, alien babies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-27
Updated: 2017-07-05
Packaged: 2018-09-27 04:31:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 27,486
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9964676
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/catisacat/pseuds/catisacat
Summary: One year after getting everything settled Rhys and Zer0 decide to go ahead and have some tiny, screaming hatchlings.Five, to be exact.Direct Sequel to An Alien Concept.





	1. Hatching Day

**Author's Note:**

> Knock knock, guess who's back? Is Cat with a new Zerhys story.
> 
> I strongly recommend you read "An Alien Concept" before reading this for context but you'll probably be able to read this without it. Some things will just be confusing.
> 
> I still use this design of Zer0 from my tumblr, for reference: http://catisacat.tumblr.com/post/136427775667/second-and-significantly-better-attempt-at-a
> 
> TBH this fic was titled "Screaming Little Monsters" until I came up with the much better pun name literally as I was posting it. I was so delighted. An Alien Concept to An Alien Conception. Perfect. I'm so proud of myself.

Rhys stared intently at the basket, bundled up in several thick blankets to keep the hidden eggs warm.

The concept was weird. He’s always considered fatherhood a possibility but frankly he never in his wildest dreams would have expected his future children to come in the form of egg. Peeking under the blankets he checked them again for the hundredth time today.

Shiny, black and leathery. Like lizard eggs.

It hadn’t weirded him out the first time Zer0 had brought up how they produce but it’s a little different when they’ve actually popped them out.

Zer0 has stayed at home since they laid them, which Rhys certainly liked. He wasn’t sure if this would continue after they were born or was he going to end up a working dad? Were the little screaming aliens going to be stuck lurking around his office? Zer0’s spoken several times about how they grow up very fast, would they be able to amuse themselves?

Maybe he should have asked these questions beforehand. Honestly? Really should have.

Surprisingly, they mostly had grown outside of Zer0’s body. They hadn’t wanted Rhys in the room when they were laid (a surprising show of self consciousness) but when they’d brought out the basket the first time they’d been about the size of ping pong balls. Now they were big enough that he could barely hold them in one hand.

Not that he was chancing holding them so precariously. Rhys reached in and carefully picked up one of the eggs, both hands. Even though Zer0 insisted that their species were incredibly durable, even while still in the shell, he was being painstakingly careful. It was slightly unnerving that he could feel the actual alien’s body through the pliable casing.

This time he could actually feel it moving around in there which was mildly alarming.

Okay, it was moving a lot.

Oh shit.

As carefully as possible Rhys set the egg down, immediately yelling unintelligibly for Zer0. It only got more incomprehensible as a tiny hand started clawing at the shell.

“ZER0! It’s… it’s doing… Egg! Hand! The thing! It’s doing the thing!!”

Apparently the word ‘hatching’ no longer existed in his mind. Not that it mattered, the terrified panic in Rhys’s voice had sent the alien scrambling into the room expecting the worst. Instead he just found his husband pointing, absolutely mortified at the basket of happily hatching babies.

“You scared me,” Zer0 accused, tilting their head at Rhys.

“They scared me!”

“They are supposed to do that.”

“Still scary!”

Zer0 quietly shook their head before leaning over the basket and gently nudging one of the struggling hatchlings that was already emerging, “They are doing well.”

“How… how long does this take?” Rhys cautiously asked, watching little claws trying to push through the soft shell.

One of the five decided to answer the question themself, quickly ripping their tiny way to freedom with a horrible little screeching noise. Rhys screamed too as they tried futilely to roll away from the now shredded egg covered in a nearly translucent, reddish goo.

“This scares you,” Zer0 calmly stated as a second hand punched out of their shell, “However. Stop screaming. You are freaking them out.”

Clapping his hands over his mouth Rhys whispered back, “Sorry.”

Zer0 stopped him from reaching towards the hatchlings, “Wait. Do not touch. Have to all hatch first.”

Rhys nodded, not getting the reason but respecting it nonetheless. He stayed completely quiet and still for a little while as the second of the five tried to join the world of the living. Of the remaining three, two were moving around but the last and smallest one seemed to be still.

The already free hatchling was squirming around, already trying to climb out of the basket to freedom. Rhys was a bit amazed at how coordinated it was. Hell, it almost looked like it was trying to stand up already even though its four eyes were clamped shut.

It was just about the damned cutest thing Rhys had ever seen before. It had many of the same characteristics of adult Zer0, except tiny. The solid and shiny head plates, four slits for eyes (closed, but still evident), a pointy little mouth, four fingers, leathery skin. For all intensive purposes, it just looked like a very, very shrunk down Zer0. The only real difference was the slightly pudgy body, not rail thin like their parent.

After a bit Rhys rephrased his question from earlier, “How long before they’re all out?”

“Not long. Half hour. Hour. Hopefully. The small one isn’t moving much.”

Zer0 was right. The second had completely emerged, same as their sibling and was already tugging at the blanket. Punctuated by tiny screams. The three eggs remained, though. Despite the vigorous movement of the two normal sized ones the third, small one was only moving slightly.

“Is it… is it okay?” Rhys quietly asked.

“Hopefully.”

Not the answer you want to hear when we’re talking about a hatchling trying to be alive. The eggs’ failure to launch was only more apparent as the other two managed to claw out, nearly in unison to scream with the other hatchlings.

“What… what do you mean ‘hopefully’? It’s moving, it’s alive, right?” Rhys’s voice picking up pitch again, partially from panic partially to be heard above the screeching hatchlings.

“Bad, if completely stop moving. Might not make it out. Not strong enough. Can not break shell, can not live. Not uncommon.”

This sent Rhys right back into panic mode, nearly yelling again, “What?! Can’t we, I dunno, help it or something?!”

Even after two years there were moments when it struck Rhys hard that Zer0 was an alien. Not a human-like one either. Completely different and nearly animalistic. Now was one of them. They cocked their head at them, bright red eyes blinking emptily, “Why would we do that?”

It certainly didn’t calm Rhys down any to hear that, “Because it’ll die?! And we don’t want it to?!”

“Yes. It will die. Very sad. However, unavoidable. Just how things are. If too weak, wouldn’t live long anyways. World is cruel.”

To an outsider, Zer0 would seem emotionless about this. Rhys knew their subtle movements enough to tell they were actually quite upset about this, although resigned to watch it die. The concept of helping it hatch too foreign for Zer0 to even consider it. Just how things are.

Fortunately for the hatchling inside of the now still egg, humans are much more soft and mutable.

Zer0 watched Rhys with confused curiosity as he suddenly and abruptly stood up, leaning over the basket and taking matters into his own hands. Quickly but carefully he pinched at the black leathery shell and tore it open himself, immediately relieved as the extra tiny hatchling rolled out. They screamed like the rest although at a much higher pitch, wiping irritatedly at the see-through, reddish slime covering them.

“There. It’s fine. Did it. Totally fine. I’m not freaked at all,” Rhys spat out, gesturing nearly frantically at the runt of the litter awkwardly trying to join its siblings.

The whole thing seemed to baffle Zer0 who looked from Rhys to the undersized hatchling and back again. While it was a moment for Rhys of remembering Zer0’s an alien it was just as much a moment for Zer0 of remembering Rhys was one to them.

“That is… good,” Zer0 stated. Even with their evident confusion they seemed relieved that the little one was free now. As weird as its entry to life was to Zer0. Helped.

Zer0 quickly adjusted to it though, obviously happy that all five had now hatched completely. Very carefully he scooped up the runt, letting it be the first to be cleaned off with a towel and placed on the bed. It squeaked in protest but seemed to be much happier once it wasn’t covered in gunk anymore.

They gently repeated the process with the other four hatchlings, wiping them down and placing them on the bed next to each other.

Immediately they started crawling all over each other, squeaking and chirping as they tried to make sense of the world.

“Can I hold them now?” Rhys asked, nearly physically restraining himself from it.

“Yes. Go ahead.”

Rhys didn’t hesitate in picking up the tiny one he’d rescued. It wasn’t drastically smaller than the others but it was noticeable. Whereas the rest were nearly a foot tall already the runt was about three inches shorter. It grabbed at his t-shirt and chirred at him. Even as a baby it was a pointy little creature, its cheekbone jabbing into his stomach.

“When do their eyes open?”

“A week or so. Colorless, at first. Will develop eye colors in a year or so.”

Rhys now realized that he wasn’t quite sure about some particulars like that, “Will they all have red eyes like you?”

“No. Species imprints, kind of. Take on eye colors of who they look up to. Imitate.”

That delighted Rhys, “So some of them will have brown eyes?”

“One brown, one yellow. Imitate. Do not care your natural color. Do not see ECHOeye as different. Sometimes imitate more than one person. All four eyes can be different colors, even. Uncommon, but happens.”

Rhys nodded, excited to see that in the future but having other questions, “What’re we… what’re we going to name them?”

Frankly he felt a bit stupid that they hadn’t discussed that. He’d certainly thought about it but somehow it had never occurred to him to talk to Zer0 about it. Somewhat understandable considering it took a grand total of two weeks for them to hatch, though.

Zer0 had no answer to that, “We do not. My species, names, I mean. Nicknames, later in life. Hatchlings, not so much.”

Rhys usually tried to be a bit more accommodating but he had to admit he didn’t terribly want his weird pointy children to be nameless, “Can we… maybe name them anyways? How about when their eyes open?”

Zer0 nodded, “Fine. Part human, culturally. Fit in better.”

Gently, Rhys placed the smallest hatchling back with the others who were starting to settle down. Zer0 briefly disappeared from the room with the basket before returning, having disposed of the goop-covered towels inside. Replaced with soft blankets.

One by one, they carefully put the sleepy hatchlings back in the basket.

It was becoming acutely clear to Zer0 that he was going to spend the next twelve years deeply confused as Rhys sat by the basket, singing to the already-asleep hatchlings.

Despite being unconscious they seemed to like it, an even more baffling concept to Zer0.

Humans are weird. Hatchlings are weird.


	2. One Week

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After their first week the hatchlings open their eyes and get to meet their Vault Hunting family.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's going to be kinda important to keep track of the chapter names from now on. I'll try to keep it obvious i the upcoming chapters but there's large time skips as the hatchlings grow up and the titles are going to be the easiest way to keep track.

Rhys was astonished that the Hatchlings were already acting like toddlers.

It was like they’d skipped being babies altogether. Even though their eyes had just opened they were already successfully standing up and walking around.

Speaking of, their eyes were a little disconcerting right now, pitch black and blending into the thick carapace around them. Zer0 assured him again that they’d get proper eye colors within a year.

Although they were only a week old their individual personalities were already shining through.

Rhys had trouble telling them all apart though, which Zer0 didn’t seem to get. To them, they were completely unique. When they’d tried to explain it it had come down to even more subtle cues than Rhys was capable of seeing.

Two were easy for him to distinguish. The largest one was around three inches taller than the others. Roughly a foot and a half tall. Extremely demanding and aggressive, they’d already distinguished themself as the leader of the group. Zer0 seemed to take particular pride in that one.

The other distinct one was the opposite. It was the one that had barely made it out of its shell, the runt. Still drastically smaller than their siblings, they stood at nearly half the height of the others. Personality matched, they were quiet, shy, and avoided their louder nestmates. Rhys knew it was probably really wrong that he had a favorite but he also couldn’t avoid being the most fond of the tiny thing.

All of the remaining three they were essentially identical to Rhys. All a little over a foot tall. It wasn’t until they did something telling of their personalities that he could distinguish them.

One always was trying to stand up to the biggest one, to wrestle the power away from them. But at the end of the day, even though this one seemed smarter, the big one was simply stronger and more tenacious. Rhys had to admit that one was another favorite, he was always rooting for them.

Another was very sneaky, remarkably so. They often enjoyed hiding and creeping around, a fact Rhys had learned unpleasantly when he’d gone to count them only to find one missing. He found them about twenty terrified minutes later, hidden under an upturned basket of clothes. Fallen asleep in their hidey hole.

The last was overtly intelligent. Besides the runt they avoided conflict the most, preferring to spend their time trying to learn things. While Zer0 had told Rhys they’d never be able to speak his language without the aid of an implant, like their own, this one seemed to be trying their absolute damnedest. Sometimes they almost seemed to succeed. Hisses and clicks nearly managing to form words.

In a couple days they were going to be meeting their “family.” The Pandoran sisters were just about to rip off Rhys’s other arm if he didn’t comply and, as much as he was low key trying to be cool about it, Vaughn was also impatient. The robots didn’t quite get it but were excited nonetheless. Okay mostly Gortys. But she was excited enough for the both of them.

Rhys couldn’t vouch for the other Vault Hunters but he did know that Zer0’s communicator was going off way more than normal.

Right now it was feeding time for them though. To Rhys’s mild horror they eat nothing but raw meat, preferably still bloody. He’d had a cuter picture in his mind feeding them than the carnage that actually ensued.

“Have you thought about names yet?” Rhys asked as tiny hands ripped a bloody chunk of meat out of his with disturbing strength.

The hatchlings didn’t seem to quite care what they were called as they viciously fought over the meat chunks being handed to them. The fervor with which they fought alarmed Rhys the first time but Zer0 had insisted it was normal.

Zer0 shook their head in response, “How do humans pick names?”

“Well, some of us name our children after someone important to us. Some just pick names they like. Some pick what they want the kid to be or do when they’re older. Personally, I’m a fan of the first.”

You could all by physically see Zer0 churning that over in their mind before they spoke again, “Alright. Two names. Do you want to name the rest?”

“Sure, but what names are you going with?”

“For the big one, Katana. For the smart one, Maige.”

Rhys forced down a laugh with all his might at the roughly smashed together portmanteau of Maya and Gaige, knowing that would upset Zer0 who seemed to be quite proud of the names they’d come up with. At least it wasn’t more numbers.

Zer0 was looking expectantly at him though, his turn to share.

Rhys smiled as he shared his name, ignoring the fact they were a bit weird. Although he supposed not any less weird than ‘Maige.’ Man, if these kids were going to human school that one’d get bullied for a name like that.

\---

It was probably the only time in the history of Pandora that this many Vault Hunters showed up in one place on-time. Both sets of Vault Hunters were there, right at the crack of noon, demanding to see tiny screaming aliens.

For most of them, this was their first and only glimpse at anything that implied what was under that suit. Only Gaige, Maya and Axton knew what Zer0 looked like under there. The girls, on purpose. Axton, on accident because he doesn’t believe in knocking.

Everyone knew they were inhuman but this was extra exciting for that reason.

Reactions were varied but skewed positive, mostly because despite the massive species barrier the giant-eyed hatchlings were undeniably cute. It certainly didn’t hurt that the creatures were acting shy, cautiously peeking up at the only people they’d ever seen outside their parents. A few of the smaller ones were even trying to hide behind the biggest one.

Gaige’s reaction was the quickest and the loudest as she scooped up one of the squirming critters, “Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, I don’t think anything cuter has ever existed! EVER!!’

Maya was quick to join her, cooing gently at the mildly freaked out hatchling squirming in Gaige’s arms.

Despite initial confusion and distrust the hatchlings quickly caught onto how easily they could exploit these humans into giving them their absolute favorite thing: attention. 

Within minutes the hatchlings had lapsed into trying to be the center of said attention. They’d already quickly learned how to be cute and use that to their advantage from manipulating their father. Now they had a whole captivated audience to their antics though. Displaying they can already run, making squeaking noises, grabbing at people’s hands, etc.

Nearly all of the people in attendance were smitten. Even the robots, although Loader Bot wasn’t about to try picking up a tiny organic for fear of smashing it. Gortys had no problem though, being tiny herself. They nearly overran her.

Salvador was surprisingly excited about this, not even flinching when one of the hatchlings bit him hard enough to draw blood. Laughing loudly he hoisted that one above his head, hand still bleeding, “HIJO DE PUTA! I LOVE THIS ONE!!”

Even Krieg seemed to at least be somewhat amused by the creatures. Absolutely refused to hold one though, which was probably for the best.

Only Vaughn was truly apprehensive about this. He admittedly was never quite crazy about the concept that his best friend was dating a potentially dangerous alien creature. Yeah the hatchlings were cute but they were also clearly a predatory species. All jagged ends and sharp teeth. With expertise he hide this though, used to supporting Rhys through things he personally thought were dangerous. He stood off to the side, letting the people in the center of the room coo over the babies.

One hatchling in particular caught Vaughn’s attention though. It was the only one not trying to monopolize the adults, having managed to crawl back into the basket they’d been brought out in. It was staring up at him with those four, big, blank eyes.

Vaughn looked from it to the ring of people with their backs turned to them. It just continued to look up at him, blinking its two sets of eyes slowly and out of unison.

Glancing up one more time he carefully extended a hand to the tiny hatchling.

He was still cautious as they stood up shakily, reaching to grab at one of his fingers and making the tiniest squeaking noise it could. Almost as if it didn’t want the swarm of attention the others were getting.

This one… this one seemed okay. Vaughn easily scooped it up one handed and brought it over to sit on his lap. They proceeded to hide themselves in his suit jacket, content to just curl quietly against him and… was it… was it purring?

Axton finally took notice of his boyfriend sitting outside the group. Putting down the smart one which almost seemed to be trying to sing he walked over and sat down, putting an arm around Vaughn’s shoulders.

“Found one you liked, huh?” Axton smirked, going to tug a little at the coat and expose it. The hatchling held on with surprising strength though, wanted to keep themself concealed.

“Yeah they’re… they’re pretty quiet.”

“Change your mind about kids?”

“Hell no. At most we’re watching this one, sometimes,” Vaughn replied, crinkling his nose at the thought of a human baby. All drool and vomit and piss.

Axton laughed and shook his head at that.

Finally Rhys managed to get everyone’s attention, excited to announce this, “Alright, so everyone likes the hatchlings but is everyone ready to know their names?”

It was a hypothetical question of course but everyone cheered, willing to play along.

“Alright, so, the big one’s name is Katana,” Rhys said, gesturing to the one still biting at Salvador’s hands, “Zer0 named that one.”

“Of course he did,” Maya said rolling her eyes and completely unsurprised that at least one of them had a weapon name.

Pointing at the smart one, still trying to maintain Maya and Gaige’s attention, “That one’s Maige. Also named by Zer0, after you two.”

They looked at each other in unison, still in sync as they said, “We’re the gay aunts.”

Even the hatchling seemed to be laughing at that as they hugged over it, giggling at their own dumb joke.

Rhys was excited to get into the ones actually named by himself. He held up another of the mid-sized one, specifically the one that was always questioning Katana’s authority, “This is Calypso, named by myself.”

He ignored Fiona and Sasha making eye contact with each other before rolling their eyes. What’d they know? That name was badass.

Either way, despite their disdain for that name he figured they’d like this one. He handed them the next one, the sneaky one. Fiona cradling it while Sasha poked at its fat belly, “I wanted to name one after you two but your names are pretty different and I was going to call it like… Fisha or Saona so I just kinda… had to think outside the box.”

“Oh my god, what poor name have you saddled this poor innocent creature with?” Fiona teased, trying not to look touched at having a child named after her.

“Well… you’re both a couple of conwomen so, well, their name is Connie.”

“That is… the worst justification of a name ever.”

Rhys looked offended at that, reaching for the hatchling, “I can call it something el-”

“Hell no, it’s amazing. This is ours now,” Fiona said defensively, pulling away.

“I’d die for this little thing,” Sasha added, smooching the squirming hatchling on the head.

Well, at least they liked it. Connie was happily clicking between the two of them, Sasha trying to get a turn holding them from a Fiona who was deeply reluctant to give up the hatchling. After a few seconds of very careful struggling the younger sister got a turn though. Ignoring Connie trying to grab at her hair.

Rhys looked around, noticing that the littlest one had gone missing. Axton called out to him though, “Hey, last one over here.”

The tiny one made tiny screams of protest as Vaughn pulled them out of hiding, even as they continued to try and cover themselves up again. Eventually he settled for letting it cover itself up but at least poke its head out.

“Well, I’m glad that one likes you,” Rhys joked, “Because if I’m naming one after Sasha and Fiona obviously my best bro is getting one. They’re just completely named ‘Vaughn’ but we’re calling them Vee for short. And for not-confusing.”

“Bro...” Vaughn replied, sounding heartfelt.

Rhys made a show of walking over and hugging Vaughn, feeling pretty good about himself.

That is until his friend started talking, face smushed into Rhys’s bony shoulder, “Did you really have to name the shortest one after me though? Low blow, man.”

Letting go Rhys held his arms up in defeat, “Oh my god, I named my children after ungrateful jerks.”

His indignation was drowned out by the large group’s laugher.

\---

Although they’d showed up at the same time everyone filtered out randomly.

The bots left first, Loader Bot not quite understanding the appeal of an organic baby and Gortys already bored and ready to move onto the next amusement.

Despite his excitement Sal left pretty early too, largely to escort Krieg home. After about a minute Axton kissed Vaughn on the cheek before chasing after them, admitting he was mildly worried they wouldn’t see them for a week again. Wouldn’t be the first time they’d gotten lost.

After they’d gotten their fill of wiggling the creatures, the sisters departed as well. Have some nefarious scheme planned for this week, big payout. Connie almost looked like she wanted to go to. Rhys sometimes wondered how much the hatchlings understood what the adults were saying.

Soon after Maya and Gaige were gone as well, smooching Maige on the head and promising to come visit again soon. Both missed Zer0 in the field, their mildly terrifying guardian angel.

Vaughn was the last to leave. Even as Zer0 started putting the other hatchlings to bed he sat there with Vee, letting them chew on his tie. Rhys was surprised Vaughn was tolerating this, “Always thought you hated kids. Gotta admit I was a little nervous naming one after you.”

“These are alright. They’re smarter and aren’t… excreting things at me. I mean they’re like a week old and I’m kind of convinced they know what we’re saying. Apparently I’m pretty down with freakishly smart alien babies.”

Nodding, Rhys agreed, “Yeah I have to admit I was… nervous about being a dad but they… I almost feel like they don’t need me. To stay alive, I mean. It’s less stressful.”

Looking around Vaughn seemed to be looking for a way to put this politely and sate his curiosity, “Does… does Zer0 look like them under there?”

It wasn’t really a secret anymore, Rhys figured Zer0 wouldn’t mind him saying this. He’d be right.

“Yeah pretty much. Just way taller, way thinner. And their eyes are red. Eventually the hatchlings will get eye colors too. Zer0 said it was imprinting, kind of. Go with the eye color of whoever they look up to the most. Looks Vee’s gonna have bright blue eyes.”

He pointed at the hatchling which was currently looking up at Vaughn and squeaking at him, even though they seemed to be on the verge of going to sleep. His friend had tried to hand the baby back to him earlier, which had only resulted in Vee screeching their little head off as they clung to Vaughn’s clothes. They had given up and let them curl back into the jacket for a nap.

“Alright, stop, stop, you’re gonna make me be emotional and junk,” Vaughn teased, managing to finally deposit Vee into the basket. Too tired to protest him leaving anymore.

“Gotta get going?” Rhsy asked.

“Yeah, honestly Axton probably expected me home like an hour ago. See you next week??

“See you next week.”


	3. Half a Year

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The hatchlings settle into their normal routine, coming to Rhys's office with him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally part of this conversation was in An Alien Concept, added as an afterthought long after the chapter was posted. I also had pasted it into the wrong chapter like a dumb idiot. I took it out and replaced it in here, so don't worry I'm not losing my mind and repeating myself. Just retconning a chunk of dialogue and placing it here instead.

As they had grown over the past half year Rhys began to finally be able to tell them apart, mostly as their movements were almost more human and distinct than alien and unknown.

It was odd. Zer0 didn’t quite seem to know what to make of it. They’d, of course, been raised around so many other hatchlings but it was unusual to see younglings so… civilized. There was no feigning ignorance, Zer0 knew their species was much more animalistic than humans.

To them, these hatchlings should still be acting like tiny savages. Beating each other with sticks, wrestling, biting. Instead they were… organized.

The reasoning wasn’t a mystery. After a couple months Zer0 had headed out to resume typical Vault Hunting jobs. Thankfully, the technology of fast travel meant they came home every night. The hatchlings either didn’t notice or didn’t care, either way waddling happily over to hug their legs when they got home.

This meant that the hatchlings were very, very largely around only humans. Despite their wildly inhuman appearances their behaviors mirrored their softer, fleshier, non-biological parent.

Most of the hatchlings’ time was spent with Rhys at work. They didn’t care, the expansive office was filled with things to amuse them.

Prior to all this Zer0 had never really seen a toy before. They were a bit baffled when Rhys came home with bags of them before the eggs even hatched. Turning over the large stuffed bear in their hand they figured that this would last about a day before it was torn apart by sharp mandibles and tiny hands.

But now, six months later, the oversized teddy was still being gently dragged around by Vee. They’d even carefully figured out how to tie a big blue bow around it’s neck. A level of care that should be completely foreign to a hatchling.

Being handed paper, Zer0 had expected them to shred it. Instead they diligently picked up crayons and drew. Maige would even do this unprompted if they were bored, grabbing the crayons then whacking at Rhys’ arm until given some paper. Surprisingly you could even kind of tell what she was trying to draw.

Connie seemed to enjoy the play castles the most, a major stress for Rhys. They were the quickest, the most agile and loved jumping off of high things. Nearly gave Rhys a heart attack when they jumped off the very top of the plastic fort and banged their head hard on the ground. It was Rhs’ first taste of exactly how much more resilient Zer0’s species was built to be. They barely acknowledged it before climbing back up. Zer0 calmly explained the thick head carapace absorbed the shock, barely looking up from the assassination contract in their hands.

Only Katana acted like a normal hatchling. Zer0 appreciated the familiarity although Rhys found them especially difficult to deal with. Zer0 had pride in Katana smacking at their nestmates with whatever they could get their grabby little hands on. Rhys just found himself constantly pulling makeshift weapons out of their grubby mitts so they’d stop hitting their less violent siblings.

Calypso generally forgoed the traditional toys as well but in a much more benign way. Usually insisting on sitting on Rhys’ lap and playing with the office supplies. Many documents had left his office with tiny scribbles on them or multiple staples holding together unrelated pages. Handed to assistants by a tiny alien, screaming at them a little bit.

On that note, whereas the other Vault Hunters had found the hatchlings endearing more of Rhys’s staff didn’t. Some of his more frequent assistants did. But the ones further out certainly didn’t.

The average populace thought their CEO was absolutely nuts. An entire brood of tiny little screaming aliens, confirming most people’s whispered suspicions about the lurking assassin. It didn’t help that the hatchlings made it even more obvious that Zer0 was some sort of terrifying apex predator species. With their bitey little mouths and their too many empty black eyes.

It became commonplace for the regular workers to avoid going into the office, passing off work to the few assistants who found the hatchlings cute.

Rhys was unaware of this rift but was starting to wonder why he kept seeing the same five people over and over.

One of them, an extremely young black-haired girl, came on over the intercom, “Zer0’s here to see you.”

“Thanks Erica, send them in.”

As Zer0 walked in the hatchlings dropped their various amusements and immediately ran over, grabbing at their legs and screeching up at them. Plucking up a random one, ending up being Connie, they walked over to the desk. Not before locking the door behind them and lowering the lights, allowing them to slip off the helmet. No one walking in, nothing blinding them.

Calypso scrambled back onto Rhys’s lap before it could be monopolized by anyone else, pulling his jacket around themselves snugly.

“They look happy,” Zer0 said, surveying the hatchlings as they lost interest in the sudden appearance of their parent and waddled back to their previous amusements, “Growing quickly.”

“Yeah that’s… something I’m curious about. I’ve just got some questions about how they’re going to grow up. Since, you know, they’re actually here now. I know you told me once that they’ll be adults at twelve and will get an implant when they’re full grown but like… what’re we looking at? Timeline wise. They’re all already like a half a foot taller and it’s only been half a year.”

“Quickly, a foot in the first year. After that, half a foot a year. Until around my height. Then stop. Abnormalities, though. Katana, most likely much taller. Can go up to eight foot. Unknown. Vee, extremely small. Runts do not make it. Could be three feet tall. Could be six. No data. Unknown.”

Rhys seemed delighted by that, patting Vee’s head as they waddled past with their teddy, “That’d be adorable, like having a kid forever.”

Zer0 didn’t quite share his enthusiasm. They’d rather all their hatchlings be big and strong, capable of protecting themselves. Frankly, they didn’t know what to do with Vee. It wasn’t as if Zer0 wasn’t fond of the tiny hatchling but just… didn’t know.

Whenever Vee tried to get their attention, Zer0 mostly found themselves thinking of the danger of being the runt. In their ideal world, Vee would have become close to Katana. A protector. Unfortunately, Katana didn’t seem to be in the business of making friends.

Rhys had other questions though, taking Zer0 out of their worries about the tiny hatchling, “How old will they be when they can finally get the thing?”

“The thing?”

“The- the thing, you know,” Rhys said, tapping at his sternum as he completely forgot the word for the glowing device lodged in Zer0’s chest.

“My vocal implant?”

“Yeah like… when are they going to be able to talk?”

“Hope you are ready to wait. Full grown. Physically, at least. Ten years.”

Rhys’s face dropped, “Oh.”

“When do humans start talking?”

“Yeah they’d be like… doing simple stuff like calling me ‘daddy’ and stuff pretty soon. I think. Or at least trying.”

“Well. The hatchlings will take longer.”

“They’re… they’re smarter though. Definitely. I mean, if they could I think they’d be talking, right?”

“Yes.”

“Could they… could they write, maybe? Before talking.”

“Probably. Very teachable. Hands, need to be a bit bigger. Less clumsy.”

Rhys nodded, knowing full well the lack of dexterity the hatchlings possessed. Took them two hands to do just about anything.

“Anything else?’

This question was a bit more awkward but Rhys figured this was probably something that he should have asked earlier. Way earlier. Before hatchlings were even in the picture.

“How long do you live? I know you grow up faster, do you have a shorter lifespan as a result? Humans… humans generally don’t bury their kids. I’m…”

“We will outlive you. All of us. My species, twice as long as humans.”

Neither of them really knew what to say after that heavy thought. Rhys uncomfortably playing with one of Calypso’s tiny hands while they clicked happily. Blissfully unaware of their father’s mortality.

Connie chose that moment to escape from Zer0’s lap, running over to chase after Katana by the windows. Quickly scooping up another, Vee, Zer0 scratched gently at their stomach. Dull fingers against the soft dark grey fabric of the plain little dresses the hatchlings wore. Vee squeaked contently, still clinging to the hefty teddy bear in one of their little claws.

A sudden thought grabbed Rhys though, something that he now realized was… well, something very important he’d never thought about.

“So… Zer0… we’ve… we’ve talked about your birthday before but you… do you know how old you are?”

They sharply sat up straighter, stiff as a board while they answered tersely, “I know how old I am.”

That was… that was a weird reaction.

“How old are you then?” Rhys asked.

“It does not matter. You know. We age differently. From humans. I mean. Numbers, warped. Unrelated.”

Rhys tried to not sound too nervous as he laughed awkwardly, “What, are you secretly an old granny who chases after young, handsome men?”

“I am not old.”

Laughter quickly tapered off as Rhys contemplated the much more terrifying opposite, “Uhm… you’re… you’re an adult right? H-human standards, not yours?”

“I am an adult. By both species’ standards.”

Rhys still wasn’t tremendously liking the ambiguity right now. Zer0’s usual sexy mysterious thing being a little less sexy right now, “Sooo… uh… how old? Are you?”

“Adjusting the numbers for maturation difference. Roughly the equivalent of someone around thirty. So same as you,” Zer0 said, dodging the question. Old semblances of their instinct to run were showing. Twitchy, head moving subtlety as they looked for an exit. Metaphorically, of course.

“No, no, not adjusting,” Rhys said, “Just stone cold, how many standard years have you been alive?”

There was a long pause while they fiddled with the sleeves of the little dress on Vee. After a few awkward seconds Rhys began to wonder if Zer0 was even going to answer at all. They spoke though. Eventually.

“I am twenty. By standard years.”

“Holy. Shit. You were only eighteen when you asked me out?!” Rhys burst out, forcing himself into calmness as his mini freak out startled Calypso into a tiny shrieking panic. He comforted them until they stopped.

“Adults. At. Twelve. Me? Well into adulthood. Fully grown, for eight years,” Zer0 replied, an edge of annoyance Rhys wasn’t used to forcing its way through their monotone voice modulator.

Rhys just kinda sat there quietly, taking that information in.

Zer0 didn’t tremendously like that, an instability in the stable life they’d grown accustomed to, “Is this… a problem?”

“No, no, it’s not a deal breaker or anything. I, just, uh, didn’t expect to be a cradle robber.”

Zer0 was indignant, “I am an adult. Completely. Long time.”

“Oh my god I’m one of those CEOs that dates someone super young to boost their ego. I’m barely even thirty.”

He laughed as Zer0 gave him a death stare.

“Calm down, calm down, I’m kidding,” Rhys said, pushing himself up off the chair while Calypso clung to his shirt. He planted a kiss on Zer0’s hard, pointy cheek. “I mean, we’re married with kids. This is… kinda weird but I guess it doesn’t really matter.”

Zer0 still seemed flustered, “It does not. Been an adult for a long time. Will be for even longer.”

“Are you… gonna be okay when I’m not here anymore?”

“Yes. I will be sad. But I will have them,” Zer0 replied, adjusting Vee’s little dress as they tried to squirm away, “Maybe I will be the cradle robber then. Find someone new. Young. Pretty.”

“Ha ha, very funny,” Rhys said, rolling his eyes, “At least wait until I’m cold in my grave, okay?”

“Alright,” Zer0 nodded, most assuredly taking that literally.

The cacophony of tiny screams were signalling dinner time. Even Vee screeched their quiet little screech as they rolled off Zer0’s lap to join the others.

Feeding time. Another abnormality to Zer0.

When Rhys had originally procured the tiny forks for the hatchlings, Zer0 was certain they’d be stabbing at each other with them the second they were let free.

But now they just calmly gathered around the little table, even going as far as to waddle over to their designated seats and picking up the utensils. Waiting quietly and patiently for their father to put down their plates of food. Didn’t even quarrel as they were brought, two by two, until all five had their own.

Of course, after each was given theirs they dug into it with the intimidating fervor that usually punctuated feeding time on Zer0’s planet.

But when they’d been young feeding time was a free for all. Large sides of raw meat dropped in front of them, torn apart and fought over. An off sort of guilt festered in the back of their mind, knowing that had Vee even survived hatchling on their home planet they would have eventually starved as the bigger ones would have shoved them aside and taken all the food.

Instead, the tiny hatchling had their own little plate, their own little fork, their own little pile of meat. Happily ripping away chunks, ungraceful and choking it down just like Zer0 has to.

Although they didn’t get it, it made Zer0 happy. The hatchling’s foreignly gentle and kind human-styled upbringing was probably better. Even if they didn’t understand it.


	4. Nine Months

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zer0 is left alone with the hatchlings for the first time ever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Good news everyone, this fanfic is going to be considerably longer than previously thought. Enjoy!
> 
> Also the next chapter's going to be coming probably pretty quickly because guess who started writing the wrong chapter and has the next one half finished?? This girl.

Zer0 stared at the five hatchlings, three of them screaming as loud as they possibly could. All incredibly unhappy about this turn of events.

The assassin had taken for granted exactly how much of the caretaking was done by Rhys and now? Now he was gone. A completely unavoidable business trip, halfway across Pandora for an entire month, some sort of deal with the Anshin corporation.

Now it was just Zer0 and the hatchlings here at home. And the tiny screaming aliens were deeply, deeply unhappy about being separated from their father.

At first, they’d been fine. Happily waiting their turn as Rhys picked each of them up and planted a kiss on their forehead. Even after he’d left they were briefly okay. After about fifteen minutes of wandering around and minding their own business, they all waddled back to the door. Waiting.

But as more and more time passed it became evident he wasn’t coming back.

Upon realizing that Rhys may be gone for forever the hatchlings all immediately lost their collective minds.

Katana was Zer0’s only respite, as they seemed fairly uncaring about the fact Rhys was gone. Right now they were curled up on the armchair and trying to take a nap, irritated by the racket their siblings were making.

Calypso and Vee were the most upset by it. Very different expressions of what can only be described as grief. For Calypso they were pitching an absolute fit. Currently, they’d taken to throwing things around and constantly screaming. It had taken Zer0 about an hour to move everything fragile out of the reach of the otherwise non-destructive hatchling.

Vee, on the other hand, seemed to have decided that Rhys had abandoned them and was terrified of Zer0 doing the same. A tiny hand was now permanently latched onto them at all points in time. Right now Vee was curled into Zer0’s stomach, making a noise disturbingly close to the sound of a human child crying.

Maige and Connie were also distressed but were handling it significantly better. It was odd to see the two usually quarreling siblings cuddling up to each other though. They were nearly constantly hugging something. Zer0’s legs, arms, any soft toys, pillows, each other. Sometimes they’d grab Rhys’s clothes and carry them around.

Zer0 had no idea how to handle this but he was hoping maybe sleeping would help them.

\---

It did not. In fact, none of them had fallen asleep at the same time.

Zer0? They hadn’t slept at all.

It was almost like the hatchlings were coordinating to stay awake and keep an eye on their remaining parent. Whenever one of them would get too tired they’d wake up one of the others, seemingly to keep watch.

Honestly, it was a bit impressive. They’d never displayed that level of communication before.

Zer0 had no idea how to comfort them. Gifts of food yielded no results, only stopping their screeching long enough for them to wolf it down. Poor attempts to play with them didn’t yield anything either. But it probably didn’t help that Zer0 was mostly just semi-violently shaking things to try and hold their attention.

Nothing worked though. All the hatchlings continued to be upset and demand Zer0’s attention, even though the assassin seemed wholly incapable of giving them whatever it was that they wanted.

After a few days of lamenting, it was getting to the point where Zer0 was seriously considering calling and telling Rhys about this.

They’d been in contact, of course. Not like he was about to leave and go somewhere far away and not even keep tabs on his family. However, Zer0 was feeding him a bit of a lie. Technically the hatchlings were fine, no reason to worry him. Zer0 knew Rhys well enough to know that if he knew all the babies were screaming wrecks that he would come home immediately.

That had happened a few times already. Business deals cut short by parental duties. It was unsurprising how few companies were comfortable dealing with a CEO surrounded by their screaming inhuman offspring.

Zer0 steeled themself, making another poor attempt to calm the hatchlings down.

It was only a month.

\---

Despite their claims, Zer0 needs to sleep. No matter how much they say they don’t they eventually do.

It’s an extremely limited need. If they want they can go a couple weeks without sleeping. When Zer0 was new to humans they used this trait to their advantage, letting the other Vault Hunters believe that they were an unstoppable badass. Unaffected by weak human needs.

Of course, eventually, they were found out. Crammed up in a sniper nest after a few months. None of them were terribly happy that apparently their “unsleeping guardian” was really spending their shift napping. Gotten over it eventually but in the moment there’d even been talk of kicking the alien out of the group.

That didn’t happen, obviously, but they were pissed. Zer0 was forced to comply with the human’s sleep schedule from then on. Not something they minded, sleep was a luxury they usually couldn’t afford.

But right now they’d passed the need for luxury and gone into the realm of “need.”

Two weeks. First week hadn’t been hard, mildly annoying but nothing they couldn’t handle. Halfway through the second week they started feeling it. Now their head was becoming hard to hold up.

Every time they tried to lie down though the hatchlings swarmed. Even going as far as to smack at Zer0 until they woke back up.

Vee was still the one taking it the worst. Eventually Calypso had worked out her tiny rage and was mostly just sleeping, almost making it feel like a mockery for Zer0. But the littlest one, Vee, definitely was causing the most issues. Still constantly clinging and displaying nearly an adult level of the lack of need to sleep. Zer0 had only seen them fall asleep a few times and not for very long.

Hatchlings aren’t supposed to be this way. Zer0 made no claims to be an expert in their species’ children but they were immensely more emotionally attached and needy than they had any right to be. They had no idea how to deal with it. Even Katana was starting to become upset by Rhys’s disappearance, joining their nestmates in screaming.

As far as Zer0 could figure it was the result of being raised by a human, like a human. The problem being that Zer0 knows fuck all about human childhood.

All they knew was right now, as they laid there, unable to sleep and being hounded by hatchlings. One by one they were losing interest this time though. If Zer0 had a heart, it would be soaring. For one brief shining moment all the little ones dispersed, content to lament the loss of their father by themselves.

Right as Zer0 closed their eyes though, the hatchling on their lap immediately started screaming. Vee. Loud enough to wake Zer0, loud enough to alert the other hatchlings.

Something in Zer0’s sleep deprived mind snapped.

The hatchlings jumped back as Zer0 shoved themself to their feet, still holding the screaming Vee, looming over the rest, and looking around manically.

Something clicked in their mind and they immediately stomped out, clicking for the hatchlings to follow them.

This floor of the Atlas building was still entirely empty, aside from two apartments.

Rhys’s and Vaughn’s.

The latter jumped as a loud bang hit their door like a freight train.

“Fuck!” Vaughn yelled, jumping up and dumping the book he was reading on the ground with a loud thump in return.

Another bang made him jump again.

What the fucking hell.

Vaughn approached the door with caution, grabbing one of the Atlas guns Rhs had insisted he keep in the apartment. Still, he found himself desperately wishing that the doors here had peep holes.

Ready to shoot if necessary, he cracked the door open.

A surprising amount of force shoved it open.

The gun clattered to the floor, out of reach as Vaughn was dumped on his ass.

Looking up, he was left slack jawed by the sight of a helmetless Zer0.

Features which were cute to Vaughn on the hatchlings were not-so-cute on the adult Zer0. Fanged mandible looking predatory not endearing, lanky body powerful instead of squishy, big shiny black eyes replaced with blood red ones that were regarding him with an empty stare.

Before Vaughn could react to the sudden alien invasion he had the crying Vee shoved into his arms. Zer0 didn’t even look at him again, walking towards his bedroom. From the fwumping noise it sounded like Zer0 had tossed themselves onto his bed.

Vaughn just stood there, dumbstruck until Vee insistently pulling on his t-shirt led him to more pressing matters.

The other four had piled around him, obviously distressed.

Fuck. Vaughn wasn’t equipped for this.

He was more than smart enough to put two and two together. Zer0… didn’t seem like the nurturing type and probably didn’t want to disrupt Rhys.

Sighing, Vaughn picked them up one by one and piling them on the couch. Vee was reluctant to let go but eventually and let themself be bundled up in a blanket. Quiet screams subdued further into more content chirping.

“Stay,” he commanded, carefully walking backwards towards his bedroom.

They listened but were watching him intently.

Zer0 had turned off all the lights and, not eager to irritate the alien, Vaughn left them off. Approaching the bed, “Uh… Zer0?”

Bright red illuminated the unnatural face as Zer0 spoke, chest implant lighting up alongside the words but mouth unmoving, “Just let me sleep, Vaughn.”

“You… you okay?”

“I have not slept in two weeks.”

Still uncomfortable but at least mildly sympathetic Vaughn backed out, talking quietly, “Okay, that’s fine, sleep.”

“Thank you.”

The second Zer0 was left in the darkness, they passed out, utterly exhausted.

\---

Vaughn returned to the hatchlings, which were now crawling off the couch and resuming their tirade against Rhys’s absence.

Considering the racket they were making it was easy to imagine the adult alien’s distress for the past couple weeks. Regathering them he put them all on the couch again. Making room for himself they immediately pressed in on him, clinging and grabbing.

God, he’d never been left alone with children before. Rhys had mentioned they had extremely advanced intelligence, Vaughn figured it didn’t hurt to just ask them, “What do you want?”

They all went quiet, taking the words in. That alone seemed to calm them down as it got their little minds working.

Maige carefully pushed themself off the couch, digging under the coffee table. This, of course, wasn’t the first time they’d been in Vaughn’s apartment. Last time, Rhys had given him a box of crayons and paper, so the hatchlings could amuse themselves whenever he visited.

After a few seconds of scribbling, Maige held up a remarkably recognizable drawing of Rhys, depressingly surrounded by little black scribbles with bright blue tears 

Not having any better ideas, Vaughn picked Maige up and gave her a hug, “Look, Rhys, your dad, whatever you know him as, is coming back alright? He’s not gone forever.”

Surprisingly, they calmed down immediately. For the first time since entering his apartment, Maige stopped making noise and just contently hugged back. This sent the others into an immediate tizzy but Vaughn had already figured out how to calm them all down.

Vaughn left Zer0 to sleep in the other room, now that he knew how to calm the hatchlings he didn’t mind letting the long suffering get some rest.

\---

Ten hours later Zer0 jolted awake, acutely aware that they were in an infinitely more messy room than they should be and there were no hatchlings here.

Looking around the pitch black room they didn’t recognize it and certainly didn’t remember coming here. More worrisomely, their helmet wasn’t anywhere in sight. Most worrisomely, though, was the fact their babies were gone.

Jarringly, there were still some pictures of Rhys up in this unfamiliar room. Not so weird when, upon closer inspection, said pictures also included Vaughn and the Pandoran sisters.

Surprisingly ungracefully Zer0 stumbled out of the room, flinching at the brighter light of the living room. Blinking a few times their eyes tried to adjusted, taking in the sight of Vaughn and Axton surrounded by happily playing hatchlings.

“Mornin’, sleeping beauty, you scared the shit out of my boyfriend,” Axton smirked, making the hatchling on his lap wave at their groggy parent.

“I wasn’t scared,” Vaughn protested, “Just… really not expecting… this…”

He vaguely gestured to the entirety of the unsuited, unhelmeted alien standing in his bedroom doorway. Now that the adrenaline of suddenly having an alien assassin on his doorstep was gone Vaughn noted that Zer0 was remarkably non-threatening without armor and weapons. The baggy Atlas hoodie hung off them like a sentient coat hanger and their eyes squinted with discomfort.

“They stopped,” Zer0 said, clearly referring to the hatchlings which were back to rolling around happily and biting at their impromptu toys.

“Yeah, you, uh…you know you’re supposed to like… hug them and talk to them, right?” Vaughn asked.

The dead silence spoke volumes.

Vaughn continued, “All they wanted was for you to give them some affection.”

“I was watching them very carefully.”

Axton laughed, “You’re really shit with kids, aren’t’cha Z?”

Zer0 narrowed their eyes at him, always abhorring that nickname.

“Calm down, calm down,” Axton said, “But seriously they just really wanted some love.”

“I do love them,” Zer0 replied, monotone voice making it sound like a joke but the two men knew better than to laugh. Zer0 continued, “I gave them extra food.”

“Yeah but these are human-grown hatchlings now, Zer0, I dunno what passes for love on your planet but they want more. The humany kind. Just pretend you’re a human.”

“Also they’re like… weirdly smart. I think they understood me when I told them Rhys was coming back. You… you tried to tell them that right?”

Deafening silence coated the room again, indicating that Zer0 had not.

“If you buy us pizza we won’t tell Rhys you’re wildly incompetent,” Vaughn said with a smirk.

He almost regretted those words, genuinely surprised that Zer0 actually bought their silence with a pizza and even more shocked that the alien stuck around.

Having been seen now, Zer0 had seemed to stop caring about being helmetless. The men had obliged to turn down the lights which turned out to be almost a blessing as the alien joined in eating. Turns out their species does not get more graceful when it comes to food, ripping off large chunks and choking them down same as the hatchlings.

Eventually they left, making a clicking noise similar to the hatchlings to get the tiny brood to follow them.

As the door closed behind them, Axton leaned on Vaughn with a smirk, “Changed your mind about kids?”

“Hell fucking no and if you ask one more time you’re sleeping in the public hallway.”

\---

The next two weeks were uneventful.

Vaughn and Axton were completely right, all the hatchlings wanted was some affection.

Now that Zer0 was going out of their way to hug and talk to them there were no more screaming fits. Not to say that the brood wasn’t still upset, several times they seemed to be trying to ask about Rhys.

Remembering what Vaughn said, Zer0 tried to explain to them that he’d be back soon.

They had their doubts that the hatchlings really understood the explanation, honestly it was probably more the tone and hearing Zer0 unphased about the situation that was helping.

Whether it helped or not became a moot point in a couple more weeks. Rhys returned from his trip and was absolutely mobbed by screeching hatchlings, grabbing at his legs and almost like they were demanding an explanation for his absence.

“Wow they really missed me didn’t they?”

The understatement of the year.


	5. One Year: Calypso

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Part one of five in each of the individual outings for the hatchling's first hatchday.
> 
> Rhys and Calypso.

Four brightly colored eyes blinked up at him.

Calypso’s attempt at imitating Rhys’s unnatural heterochromia had manifested in a neater way than he’d thought it would.

Instead of being split down the middle the four eyes alternated. The main set perfectly imitated his, right one brown, left one yellow. But the smaller set above them were the opposite, right one yellow, left one brown.

It was odd for Rhys knowing that despite his child having no biological connections to him they had his eyes.

Not that he was complaining.

There had been no surprises when the hatchlings’ eyes had all come in. They’d long since decided who they looked up to the most but Rhys was still pleasantly surprised when Calypso just woke up one morning like this.

That had been a week ago- just shy of their first birthday. Hatchday. Whatever.

Not to mention that their unnaturally fast growth rate was evident now. Despite being only a year old Calypso, Connie and Maige stood at around two feet, Katana towered as a remarkable three foot, Vee lagged behind at about a foot and a half.

He and Zer0 had decided that for said hatchday all the hatchlings should get a special day out with the person they idolized. Just something nice, let them have some individuality outside of the group.

Some part of Rhys still kinda wished they were throwing some sort of traditional birthday party but frankly, there wasn’t a high chance of the hatchlings liking that. As they got closer to a year they started disliking large groups paying attention to them, no longer craving mass amounts of attention.

At first, the hatchlings had objected to being split up. The discordant screaming echoed in his office, making it sound like a slaughter was happening. In the panic, Connie bit Fiona pretty bad. Zer0 insisted this was normal for their first split up but the bleeding woman was more than a bit wary about the situation.

However, the hatchlings settled down quickly once they could no longer see each other. Calypso, in fact, seemed to be enjoying their newfound freedom of being away from the group. Unlike the others, Rhys had to complete some work before he could take Calypso anywhere but they didn’t seem to mind.

The pat-pat-pat Calypso’s feet were making was highly distracting though as they ran around the desk in circles, making little noises occasionally.

Eventually Rhys caught them, easily hoisting them one handed into his lap. Even though they'd grown bigger they were remarkably light, just like Zer0. It always surprised him that they aren't more clumsy and top heavy considering their thick, armored skulls are easily the heaviest part of them.

“Do you wanna help?” Rhys asked, already handing them the stapler as he knew the answer.

Calypso screamed in response, grabbing it and immediately stapling about five papers that didn't need to be stapled together.

He didn't mind. All the assistants thought he was nuts when he gave them staple removers and told them they'd be fixing most files from now on. But it made Calypso happy so they'd just have to deal with it.

Rhys really wondered how much the hatchlings understood. Zer0 was ambiguous about their intellectual growth, Rhys was starting to think they didn't know too much about that themself. Wouldn't be surprising, they didn't seem to have anything to refer to about hatchlings except their own memory. Not like they spent a lot of time around the younglings.

They were certainly developing faster than any human would. Whatever level their cognizance is at they clearly understand and react to more words than a regular one year old. Hell, they even seemed to try and backtalk if they didn’t want to do something. The other night Rhys had had a lovely conversation with Katana which consisted of the highest, most grating noise the hatchling could make every single time Rhys said the words, “bed”, “sleep”, or “night.”

No matter though. With Calypso distracted long enough to focus, Rhys finished up the work quickly. Nearly every piece of paper was stapled together haphazardly but it was done.

Turning his attention to the happily clicking hatchling he gently pulled them over, “Alright, you ready for your hatchday gift?”

Cocking their head Calypso just sat there, blinking. No known words.

They didn’t seem to know what to make of the brightly wrapped box they were handed. Turning it over a few times they shook it, listening to the soft thump coming from inside the shiny prize.

Looking up at Rhys, down at the box, up and then down again Calypso still seemed to have no clue what this was supposed to be. Maybe it was just meant to be shiny and pretty. They patted it gently a few times before hugging it.

“No, no, you’re supposed to open it,” Rhys said, tugging at one of the seams to tear it a little.

That earned him a slap on the hand and a small screech.

“The gift’s inside, Calypso. Inside,” he reiterated, tapping it.

They turned it over a few more times, seemingly contemplating Rhys’s assertion. A couple more shakes of the contents. Then very carefully tearing the shiny paper off and folding it next to them.

Wrestling with the box lid they finally lifted it, revealing some new clothes folded up in it.

It was the first time any of them had been given any sort of clothing outside the plain grey dresses. Rhys had tried earlier but Zer0 had absolutely insisted that they’d try to crawl out of anything even vaguely more restrictive until they were at least one.

And, well, Calypso was one now.

The tiny suit resembled his own, all black and orange and silver. Holding up the jacket, Calypso chirped to have it put on.

They clicked a little as Rhys pulled off the plain dress and set about trying to get the tiny suit on the hatchling. Not an easy task. He was starting to get why Zer0 had insisted on the painfully simple clothing. For some reason every hatchling’s natural reaction to having clothes put on them was to A: try and stop this from happening and B: take to the clothes back off. Only tolerating light clothes like their little dresses.

Hearing about Rhys’s intended gift for Calypso he was glad Zer0 had at least talking him into a skirt instead of pants. There was no way he was gonna get anything with legs on these hatchlings anytime soon.

Calypso stopped fucking with it after the whole thing was on, waddling over to the toy vanity to look at themselves. Turning around a few times, they seemed to approve.

“Second one,” Rhys said, bringing out the second box.

This time Calypso didn’t wait and tore into it, eager to see what else they were getting. Chirping, they pulled out a tiny suitcase.

As they happily flailed it like a weapon, squeaking happily.

“I don’t know what you’re going to put in it because you’re a baby but I’m sure you’ll figure it out,” Rhys said, crouching down to their level before scooping them up, “You ready to take a tour of the whole building?”

An affirmative beep. The hatchlings had never really seen anything outside of the CEO office and anything leading up to it. Most of them hadn’t seemed to care but Calypso had always tried to look around more. But it’s a hassle and somewhat risky to try and let the gaggle of hatchlings explore. He’s only one man and he was fairly certain that if the hatchlings wanted to out run him they could.

Rhys scooped up the papers as they walked past the desk. Grabbing at it, Calypso wiggled their new briefcase excitedly.

“No, no, these need to go to Erica,” Rhys replied, pulling it further away.

Protesting squeaks.

“She needs them.”

Grabby little hand.

“Okay, you can hand them to her but don’t refuse to let go that makes people nervous.”

As they passed Erica’s desk Calypso offered it up, only resisting handing it over for a single tug. The assistant didn’t mind, cooing something nice about the little bug-eyed baby squeaking down at her. Almost as if they were trying to order her around.

Walking away, Calypso returned her attention to Rhys. More squealy little demands.

“You’re a bossy baby, you know that?”

A petulant squeak.

“I guess all babies are. You guys are all too… too smart.”

Indigent beep.

“Calm down, it’s not a bad thing. I’m… glad. Human babies would be harder. Like. A lot harder. Especially because there’s five of you.”

They patted their chest a few times.

“What don’t want to talk about the others on your hatchday? Yeah, yeah, it’s just you and me right now.”

Screep.

Distracting themself, Calypso started looking around as Rhys walked. Everyone but Erica had been sent home early, allowing them to have some privacy on their little tour.

Rhys had to admit he was proud of how he’d managed to clean up and renovate the old Atlas buildings. This one in particular was nice, one of the largest ones left standing. The same one that their apartment was in.

There was a pretty substantial divide between the living quarters and the office space. Split by a floor intended as a gatekeeping space. Right now only him and Vaughn lived up there but he was hoping soon to open up limited spots for high ranking members he trusted.

Eventually, as the hatchlings grow older, they’ll probably wander the hallways. Rhys intends to let them. Barring their behavior remains good.

An impressive main hall opened up. Squirming to be let down, Rhys let Calypso go.

It was the first time any of them had been allowed to run around by themself. Rhys had instilled a hand holding policy which usually had them waddling in a line after him.

Easily, Rhys managed to keep up with the running Calypso. Long strides beating out tiny ones easily.

He let them chose the path they took. Winding and meandering from room to room. Trying to spin chairs with too tiny hands, grabbing at laser pointers and clicking abandoned pens. Upon finding the biggest possible conference room they immediately walked to the head of the table and climbed up on the chair. Kneeling so they could see over the table they pointed at the seat on the opposite side.

Playing along, Rhys pulled out the rolling chair and sat down, “Alright, you want to play boss?”

Calypso slapped at the table affirmatively.

“Alright, what’s this meeting about?”

They pointed accusingly at him.

“Me?”

A nod.

“What’d I do?”

Calypso pointed aggressively at the door, squeaking disapprovingly.

“You can’t fire me, I’m the CEO.”

A tiny hand slamming on the table, more mock agitated chirps.

Deciding to play along, Rhys stood up to storm out, “I mean, you can’t fire me. I quit!”

Calypso leaned back in the chair, the smuggest look possible on their nearly immobile face, until the door closed behind Rhys. Immediately panic overtook the hatchling, climbing over the side of the chair and tumbling on the ground, screeching unhappily.

Immediately Rhys rushed in at that of course, full of guilt. Scooping up the upset hatchling and kissing them on the forehead, “Sorry, sorry, I forget you’re a baby sometimes.”

That earned him a slap in the chest and an upset clicking noise.

He continued to speak to them as he carried them out, towards another conference room he’d set up down the hall, “You’re all just… really big already. And smart.”

That seemed to make them happier.

“You’re going to be an adult in a disturbingly short period of time.”

Nodding.

“In like… a little over a decade you could be sitting in that chair for real. Giving an actual meeting. Monitoring actual employees. Hopefully not actually firing your daddy.”

Calypso arched their fingers with an evil laugh-like hissing noise.

“Always the comedian,” Rhys mused, “But I’m serious. I’m not making any promises, you’re a one-year-old, but I have a feeling you’ll be the only one interested in inheriting my legacy here.”

They perked up at that, realizing the possibilities in this. To a fairly limited capacity but interested in the possibility nonetheless.

Before they could turn that over in their mind more in an attempt to fully understand they were distracted by entering a new room. Despite being brightly colored and filled with toys, the hatchlings were generally not allowed in the daycare.

It was immediately obvious that it was a terrible idea. Larger and more aggressive than a child should be. Despite the fact the alien babies were drastically more human than they should be.

Hell, just the other day Rhys had watched Katana slam Connie on the ground after a dispute over a toy. He’d, of course, punished Katana for it and Connie was completely fine but had they been a smaller, squishier human child things might not have ended so alright.

Rhys had set up the room with traditional birthday decorations, each brandishing the number “1” proudly. A large cake sat in the middle of the table. Cupcakes surrounded it, each in Atlas colors and far more than they could possibly eat.

Too excited for the tiny birthday party of two, Calypso happily hugged their father before digging into the slice of cake handed to them.

Patting them on the head, Rhys smiled, “Happy hatchday, Calypso.”

Happy chirping.


	6. One Year: Maige

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Part two of five in each of the individual outings for the hatchling's first hatchday.
> 
> Maya and Gaige with Maige.

Brilliant teal eyes. The exact midpoint between Gaige’s green and Maya’s blue.

Rhys had always had a faint worry that Maige would end up with blue-green heterochromia due to their affection for both of the Vault Hunting ladies.

It was a bit relief when Maige just blinked up at him with eyes his favorite color.

Unlike the other hatchlings, Maige didn’t react quite as poorly to being separated from their siblings. Crying out a little bit ultimately feeling pretty safe with their thin arms wrapped around Maya’s shoulders.

But even as they started walking out, Gaige started demanding a turn.

“Lemme hold ‘em.”

“You’ll drop them.”

“No I won’t!”

Maya gave her a look, somehow managing to perfectly and wordlessly communicate a snarky comment about how she’d watched Gaige drop an entire coffee tin of screws on the ground last night. Spent hours picking them up, one by one.

But Gaige didn’t relent, jamming metal fingers between Maya and Maige to free the hatchling. It worked, beeping hatchling seeming to enjoy getting to spend time with both of them.

“See? I’m her favorite,” Gaige boasted, giving the hatchling an affectionate squeeze as they nuzzled against her making a small happy noise.

“We’re both her favorite,” Maya retorted, shaking her head.

“Nuh-uh, I’m her most favorite.”

“She’d just have green eyes then.”

“Fair point…” Gaige mumbled, tilting the hatchling to look into those four big ole teal peepers, “They’re like… one billion times cuter with the eyes though, right? It’s not just me?”

“I think it looks very pretty, yes.”

Clicking happily, Maige seemed to appreciate being crooned over like this.

Maya thanked whatever being was out there that fast travel was so readily available to them. She didn’t relish the thought of strapping the hatchling into a subpar Pandoran baby seat and driving the little thing all around hell. They’re sturdy little creatures but certainly not invincible.

Stepping out into the Sanctuary fast travel station, Maige got her first look at the city of Vault Hunters.

Squirming, she demanded to be put on the ground. Gaige obliged although Maya rebuked her, “Don’t put them down, last thing we need is for them to wander away and fall right off the city.”

“They’re cool,” Gaige rebutted, “See? They aren’t going to go too far. They’re smart like that.”

True to what she said, Maige had taken only a few steps before stopping to make sure they were being followed. Sighing, Maya decided to allow the hatchling their freedom. For now. Besides, it was only a short walk to the apartment the two women shared.

Curious eyes pried as they walked down the street, alien baby looking around at the new world they found themselves in.

Maya and Gaige could hear the mumbles. Zer0’s name was on the tongues of everyone they passed, staring at their inhuman teammate’s offspring. The two women were certain somewhere in Sanctuary a betting pool was finally draining. There’d always been talk of what Zer0 was, be they alien or robot or something else entirely. Certainly someone somewhere had put money on it.

Right now Maya could hear people musing, wondering how much the baby alien looked like Zer0. Excitedly exclaiming they knew Zer0 wasn’t a human. Some not paying that much mind, simply enjoying see the cute little thing waddling around with their wide, wide eyes. Some paying too much mind, revolted at the clearly inhuman creature lurking around their home.

Either way the women knew they shouldn’t bother addressing them. All they could do was open their home’s door and usher the little thing inside.

It was a decent sized apartment for the two of them. By humble Pandoran standards, at least. An odd mixture of taken apart electronics and books mainly littered the area, some on shelves where they belonged, some scattered on tables. Posters and paintings hung side by side, alternating Maya’s refined taste and Gaige’s love of pop culture.

Maige wandered around, picking up things in their little hands and examining them. Carefully removing a monkey wrench from their claws, Gaige steered them towards the dining room.

Maya handed them their gift, paired with a smooch on the head, “Here you go. I hope you like it.”

Unlike Calypso, Maige had no problem with the concept of wrapping paper. They treated it similarly though, carefully peeling it off in even strips before setting it gently to the side. Delighted, they pulled out a pint-sized easel and paints. Complete with a set of tiny brushes.

“Happy birthday!” Gaige yelled, crouching down to beam at the creature, “That was, like, super duper hard to find, do you like it?”

While the women didn’t have nearly the experience of Rhys in translating the hatchlings’ noises into words the happy beeping and bouncing up and down was unmistakable. Tiny little hands worked quickly to open the watercolor paints and set up the easel.

With a little help from Maya, it was propped up at the perfect height for the hatchling.

Tugging at their hands, Maige pulled them in front of it to sit on the couch.

“Oh my god, oh my god, they want us to model that’s so cute!!” Gaige nearly yelled, more than happy to accommodate the hatchling’s adorable wishes.

Leaning against each other, they let Maige move them around until they were happy with the resulting pose. Trying not to laugh while the baby alien wprked so seriously was hard, it was too cute.

But for a while they complied, trying not to even blink as Maige set about painting them.

Beeping a few minutes later, Maige pulled off the top page and waddled it over to them. Holding it up for them to see. While crude it was remarkably advanced for such a young creature. Clearly defined faces, accurate colors, decent anatomy. You could actually tell who it was of.

Smiling, Maya took it from Maige, “It’s beautiful, you did such a good job. I’m proud of you.”

Maige puffed their tiny body up, paintbrush fiddling around in their hands.

As Maya got up to put the painting up on their fridge Maige set about starting another one. When Gaige tried to peek and see what what they were up to she was greeted with a screech and a paintbrush flailed at her.

Crashing back on the couch, Gaige laughed, “Yeah, I get it. I hate people watchin’ me work too.”

It wasn’t long before Maige was done, although it took a bit longer than their first painting had taken. Turning it around a while later it made sense though, considering there were considerably more people in it.

The second painting was a fairly accurate depiction of their parents. The eerie, nearly skeletal alien looming over with those big red eyes would be creepy if Maya and Gaige didn’t easily recognize it as an un-helmeted Zer0. The man in the suit next to them, clearly Rhys. An assortment of hatchlings with multicolored eyes were situated around them. Brown and yellow, their own teal, green, pale blue, blood red.

“You’re really good at this, do you want to give that one to your dad?” Maya cooed, pinching a cheek with absolutely no give.

Maige nodded.

“Wanna paint more people?”

Bouncing up and down.

Taking the hatchling by the hand, Maya and Gaige started leading them around. A few people had already volunteered to be models, if only because they were curious about seeing whatever the hell Zer0 had spawned up close.

Ellie was the first, loudly yelling about how absolutely precious the baby was before squishing it in a hug. Took her a while to stop doting on Maige before she’d sit down and pose. She was more than happy to display the finished product in her shop, the innocent drawing looking a bit out of place among the gruff mechanic equipment.

After that was Zed, who had to be reminded that Maige is the offspring of one of the deadliest of all the Vault Hunters and under no circumstances should they be dissected. Didn’t stop him from prodding at the little creature’s squishy underbelly a little though under the guise of “playing” with them. He did seem to like the portrait too though, finding a place out of the surgery splash zone to display it.

Claptrap had technically agreed but Maige seemed off put by the robot, flinching as his loud and grating voice dug into their skull. Maya decided to forego making them paint him.

Maya had to admit she was incredibly impressed at how still Krieg managed to stay while Maige painted him. Aside from his eye still looking around wildly, it was the calmest she’d ever seen him. She had no idea what he was going to do with the painting but he disappeared with it, presumably to put it in whatever hidey hole he was living in nowadays.

Tannis had a similarly scientific approach to Zed in trying to examine the alien, although was certainly being less menacing about it than he had been. Maya even let Tannis carefully flip the little creature around to study for a bit, kind of impressed with how gentle she was being with them. She seemed to like her portrait too, making room on the desk to prop it up.

Upstairs, Lilith and Brick were dangerously close to beating each other up over who gets to hold it. Mind over matter though, which here means “Lilith can melt your mind so it doesn’t really matter what you can do.” Smooching on the top of their head, she got easily the most time holding Maige out of anyone. Eventually she let them go and in return received the painting of her and Brick and the fact they could rub it in Mordecai’s face that they’d gotten to see Zer0’s kid and he hadn’t. S’what you get going out on missions all the time.

Marcus honestly didn’t react much to Maige, beyond being mildly amused that he got to get some sort of picture of what Zer0 looked like under there. He put the painting up same as the others, paid some lip service to how beautiful it was, then told the hatchling to tell their dad to contact him about some new weapons deals he was interested in.

Last stop was Moxxi’s bar, cleaned out of drunks and loud music to accommodate a small party for Maige. After Moxxi got her portrait though, the only payment she’d accepted for hosting this. And also getting the coo over the tiny alien. She clung to them nearly longer than Lilith before letting them sit down and paint.

“It’s the prettiest damn thing I’ve ever seen, good job kid,” she said after they finished, affectionately petting Maige’s rock hard head.

As Moxxi hung her new prize, Maige dug into the pizza they were brought. Chewing grossly with their mouth open, happy with the events of the day. Maya smiled as Gaige’s eating was nearly as disgusting as the baby’s.

Giggling as the other two’s eyes both went wide at the delicious looking cake Moxxi brought out.


	7. One Year: Vee

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Part three of five in each of the individual outings for the hatchling's first hatchday.
> 
> Vaughn with Vee.

Of all the hatchlings, only Vee was entirely unperturbed that they were being separated from their siblings.

If anything, they seemed happy to be away from their screaming siblings.

They’d tensed up when surrounded by the others and their screaming, relaxing against Vaughn’s button-up only when the door closed behind them.

“Don’t worry little guy, we’re gonna get you somewhere quiet.”

Gigantic light blue eyes blinked in response.

Of all the hatchlings, Vee had latched onto their namesake the most.

Vee was the most baffling hatchling to Zer0, being the runt. They were quiet and very low energy. Sleeping a lot more than their siblings and being prone to sickness. Zer0 assumed this would kill Vee but something about being born on Pandora had made the hatchlings a little hardier when it came to disease. Much like they didn’t have Zer0’s sensitivity to noise and light.

The most confusing part was how cute the humans seemed to think it was. No horror when the little creature would cough or be too weak to pick something up. Just… cooing and babying them.

Vaughn was always the first person to do this as well as the first person Vee always waddles over to when they’re tired, favorite blanket dragging behind them. Blue, with little white bunnies. A gift from Gaige, who’d insisted the little guy’d want one.

Even now, even though they were excited, Vee was a little bit sleepy eyed. Squishing against the shirt and trying to pull his jacket around them like a second cover. More than the rest they were going to enjoy getting the day to themselves.

They managed to fall asleep on the way up to Vaughn’s apartment, even though it was just a few floors up.

Big blue eyes opened back up when they door closed behind them though, ready for whatever surprises were in store for them. Wiggling, they started pulling pillows towards them as they were set on the couch. More warmth in addition to their customary blanket.

Pushing the coffee table against the couch, Vaughn pulled out a board game. One Rhys had banned him from playing around him, subsequently meaning he was never in a situation in which he got to play it anymore. Whatever the Pandoran equivalent to Monopoly is. Let’s call it Oligopoly.

“Here, you take the Atlas piece,” Vaughn said, handing the tiny white and red piece to Vee, “Your dad would like you using that one.”

Vee nodded, obediently placing the piece on the starting space before they picked up the rules to read.

Picking the Hyperion piece for himself, Vaughn placed it next to theirs on the board, “I’ll give you a few minutes to read that while I make popcorn, okay?”

They just make a little scratchy noise in response, not looking up from the piece of paper.

As Vaughn stood up to go to the kitchen he realized he wasn’t entirely sure Vee could read. But if they couldn’t, they were making an impressively convincing effort to.

Fixing the snack, Vaughn watched the extra tiny hatchling reading or possibly just staring at the rules. Thinking about how… weird this all is. That sitting on his couch was Rhys’s non-biological kid that had Vaughn’s eyes.

If you’d told him a few years ago that his best friend would have married an alien and had weird little babies with them, Vaughn would have laughed you out of the room. But that was then and this was now and the little alien was looking up at him. Watching him make popcorn like this wasn’t the weirdest shit possible.

Not that Vaughn had anything against the hatchlings or Zer0 themself. While part of him always kind of held out hope he’d get Rhys’s attention but he’d long since given up any serious expectations with that. The fact Rhys had found someone else wasn’t the surprising part, just the whole “extremely terrifying alien assassin” part.

Vaughn thought back to the night Zer0 had stumbled in here, completely incapable of taking care of the now far too human hatchlings. Handing off the kids, wandering back and falling asleep on his bed.

Despite being a good ten out of ten on the “reasonably scared of being killed by a deadly inhuman monster” scale Vaughn had gone in to check on Zer0. Make sure, you know, they’re not dead. They hadn’t reacted when the light from the doorway illuminated them, allowing the extremely rare chance for someone outside Rhys to examine them.

Looking closely, Zer0 really did bear a remarkable resemblance to the offspring. Just a taller, thinner version of them. Everything just looked more sinister in their adult form though. Especially how the skull elongates, making the skull-like carapace look downright villainous.

Zer0 was so still that for a dread-filled second Vaughn thought they were dead. No breathing even. Checking quickly he found no pulse either. But before he could really work himself into a panic they benignly rolled over to get away from the light. Vaughn supposed that he had no real reason to assume Zer0 had a heart or lungs in the first place.

Normal clothes looked out of place on Zer0, like they didn’t belong to them. Vaughn had supposed they didn’t, recognizing the slightly threadbare Atlas hoodie as the one Rhys wore around the house. Zer0 almost seemed to be… clinging to it. Clawed hands bringing it closer to their face in an awkward hug. A weirdly human show of emotion.

It comforted Vaughn, in a way, to know there was apparently more affectionate thoughts lurking somewhere in Zer0’s mind.

He’d walked back to the hatchlings that night feeling mildly less concerned about Rhys’s choices.

But now instead of five there was just the one, blinking up at him now that they had finished with the rules. Bringing back the now popped popcorn the night could truly begin.

\---

It was almost embarrassing how well Vee kicked his ass.

Especially considering a couple hours ago Vaughn wasn’t even entirely sure they could read.

Vaughn was notoriously good at this particular board game, dragging it out into an all night affair sheerly because he could. Toying with people who had no chance of winning. Absolutely insufferable.

Vee was too young to know that cruelty though, ending the game as quickly as possible.

At a loss of any other words, Vaughn just clapped a little, “Good… good job, Vee.”

They were screeching in victory, waving around tiny fistfuls of multicolor cash.

For a few minutes they continued their tirade. Much like Maya and Gaige, Vauhgn wasn’t as good at translating what the hatchlings are trying to say but honestly Vee was so obviously trash talking him.

He can’t even banter back because he has no idea what Vee’s saying, that’s not fair.

But it stopped pretty quickly as the blanket they’d been wrapped in dropped off them. Making them shiver and rewrap themself again. They always seemed to be slightly cold.

Vaughn really didn’t get why Vee wore the same plain grey dress as the others. He was far from an expert on children but surely warmer clothes were better than having the hatchling dragging around a dirty blanket all the time.

They loved that thing though, already coming down from the high of their victory as they curled up on it.

Before they could fall sleep, Vaughn handed them a small wrapped box though. Removable lid. Carefully they removed said lid to peek at the contents. Glistening in the lamplight was a gorgeous music box, modelled to look like a sandy beach with crystal clear water. Vee was delighted by it, immediately figuring out how to wind it on their own.

Naught but a beep came from them as Vaughn picked them up, putting them on his lap so he could lay down too. For the next twenty minutes they fiddled with their present until the soft melody it played put them to sleep.

Within a few minutes both him and the hatchling were out cold, Vee curled up on his chest. Purring like a weird pointy cat.

\---

Around seven hours later, in the middle of the night, Vaughn was woken up by a banging on the door.

Picking up his phone, there were approximately 127 texts, 177 missed calls and god knows how many voicemail messages. All from Rhys. The voice yelling at him through the door was that of his best friend too.

Sheepishly, Vaughn cracked open the door, “Uh, hey.”

Heeled boot keeping time as it tapped on the ground, Rhys looked livid, “You were supposed to bring them back three hours ago.”

Offering up the still nearly asleep Vee, Vaughn tried to do damage control, “We, uh, fell asleep.”

“No shit. Keep your ringer on next time.”

“We had fun?” Vaughn weakly offered up.

Rhys’s face softened. He was never good at staying angry at Vaughn, even if he’d certainly had a scare with this, “Good but… don’t worry me like that. You could have both been dead for all I know.”

As if trying to distract their father, Vee began fiddling with the music box again. Holding it up for Rhys to see as they were carried back to their apartment on the other side of the building. Vaughn could still hear it until the door closed behind him.


	8. One Year: Connie

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Part four of five in each of the individual outings for the hatchling's first hatchday.
> 
> Fiona and Sasha with Connie.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two days, two chapters. I'm on another writing roll.

Connie has handed off to Sasha, giant green eyes wholly unrepentant about the fact Fiona was currently bleeding.

“Holy shit, fuck, those little bastards can fucking bite,” Fiona swore, wrapping a bandage around her injured hand, “Hold ‘em away from anything you’re not prepared to lose.”

“Awh, Fiona, they were just upset and scared. Weren’t you?” Sasha cooed, jiggling the snickering hatchling.

Sasha clung onto them as Fiona tried to hold them again, “Yeah, yeah, just don’t do it again.”

Despite their face being nearly immobile, Connie still managed to look smug about biting Fiona. She sighed, patting their head anyways, “Seriously. Don’t.”

Connie complied, letting themself be carried out to where the caravan was parked. After being placed on the floor of it they immediately set about looking around. Digging through belongings until Sasha started nudging them towards the table with her foot.

“Rhys is going to kill us if he ever finds out about today,” Sasha mused, helping the hatchling to crawl up on the seat between her and her sister, “Like, you know that right?”

“I’d like to see noodle man try,” Fiona said, undaunted as she pulled out the crudely wrapped gift and handing it to Connie.

They didn’t hesitate to rip it open while the sisters talked over them. Sasha retorted, “Yeah but like… robot arm. We can totally beat up the fleshier parts of him but he gets that around our neck we’d be a little fucked. Sort of a race-against-the-clock to beat up the human controlling said arm so we don’t get strangled to death.”

Fiona shot back as Connie turned the odd tools in their hands, “There’s two of us though. Even if he gets one of us, we’ve got the other to back each other up.”

Still ignoring the hatchling, now dragging the heavy locked box towards themself, Sasha continued, “He’s been living with an assassin for years now, He’s no genius but he’d be smart enough to kill us separately.”

“But first he’d have to find ou- oh hey, they already did it.”

Distracted by their hypothetical Rhys-is-going-to-kill-us discussion, Connie had already opened their gift of a lockpick kit and opened up the test box they’d brought out for their. Looking up at them, Connie pointed at it and screamed.

“Wow, they did that fast,” Sasha mused, examining the lock and finding that it hadn’t been forced open or anything, “And everyone acts like they’re the stu-”

Fiona clapped a hand over Sasha’s mouth before she could continue that sentence.

Aside from Vaughn, the Pandoran sisters were the non-parents had spent the most time around the hatchlings. More than most they knew the particulars of their personalities.

The intelligence level of the hatchlings was pretty staggered. Maige and Vee drastically soared over the others, both possessing an intelligence high above their age. Calypso seemed to do alright for themselves. Katana wasn’t winning any spelling bees or essay contests anytime soon but has borderline uncomfortably animalistic instincts.

Connie was… not the sharpest crayon in the shed.

While the others focused on growing and learning, Connie was usually found doing something stupid.

They were prone to fairly extreme physical feats but their success seem to largely come due to their complete and utter contempt for being alive. It requires nearly constant supervision to make sure they don’t hurt themselves.

Not that they weren’t also incredibly good at sneaking away and doing it anyways. It was how Rhys learned the fairly creepy fact that their blood changes to reflect their eye colors, bright green smeared across the tile from a cut on Connie’s knee.

What little intelligence they had seemed to be poured into being incredibly deceptive. Thusly, it was fairly unsurprising how quickly they picked up lock picking.

“Alright then, ready for step two,” Fiona said as she wrapped a small cloak around Connie, “You ready for baby’s first heist?”

Connie nodded, the sister remembering again that Rhys was absolutely going to kill them.

\---

The caravan rumbled to a stop outside of the glistening city.

While Opportunity never opened up as a proper Hyperion establishment it had opened up nonetheless.

Every semblance of it once being Jack’s pride and joy had been scraped out. Other rich folks, mostly retired Vault Hunters, had swept in and turned it into an extremely luxurious place to live. Not too hard to get into though, security was surprisingly lax.

The two sisters stepped out in their disguises, the old Hyperion suits they’d worn up on Helios. Modified to be not-so-Hyperion. That plus a couple wigs and some exaggerated make up obscured their identities nicely. The professional look got them in easily.

Fiona scratched at the itchy blonde wig, “This is way too easy.”

Sasha shrugged, patting the lumpy bag on her back, “Hey, sometimes it just is.”

A small beeping noise came from the bag. Connie curled up against Fiona’s back, smuggled away in there until they reached their target.

Fiona’d caught wind of where the shopkeepers kept the money they used for change. Some little building only accessible two ways. By a thick and impenetrable door and by an impossibly tiny grate.

Looking around, Fiona found no one watching while her sister worked on unscrewing the cover.

“I’m telling you, this is way, way, way too easy,” Fiona reiterated, uncomfortably looking for literally any sign of security, “I haven’t seen a single guard or anything.”

“Maybe we’re just lucky,” Sasha retorted as she tugged off the grate, “Hand me Connie.”

Although somewhat nervous, Fiona unzipped the bag and let the hatchling hop down by her sister. They didn’t even have to be asked to crawl into the opening with their little lockpick kit.

For a few tense moments of silence the hatchling remained out of view. No sign of anything going wrong but no sign of anything going right.

Until the alarm went off.

Scrambling out of the grate again, Connie’s small arms were wrapped around a large wad of cash.

Immediately they were scooped up into the bag as the women took off.

Where they’re been no guards ten minutes ago, there were now over a hundred. Armed with the finest Hyperion weaponry left over from when they took over the city.

Thankfully, they weren’t immediately spotted. They managed to run into a crowd and blend in seamlessly, pushing and shoving with the same intensity as everyone else as they struggled to run from the “threat.”

Lurking down an alleyway they paused for a moment, Fiona taking the bag off her back to open it and check on Connie.

Giant green eyes just stared back up at them, still proud of the wads of cash they’d managed to swipe before the system locked down again. Picking one up, Fiona flipped through it, “Wow, big bills only. Good job, Connie. Someone’s getting the biggest bowl of ice cream money can buy.”

Unphased by their life of crime starting at one year old, Connie bounced up and down clicking happily at them.

As the alarm died down in the distance, they scaled down the side of the building to drop into the nearby valley where they’d stashed the getaway vehicle.

\---

Fiona made good on her promise, stopping at the nearest ice cream shop to order a disgustingly huge sundae for the chirping hatchling tugging at her pant leg.

The second they got it on the table in the caravan, Connie all but shoved their face in it. Foregoing a spoon entirely. Honestly, the sisters had seen the hatchlings eat enough to know it wouldn’t be terribly more elegant even if they used utensils. Mouths not meant for human food.

“So, did you have fun?” Sasha said, rubbing at the top of their rock hard skull.

They nodded, recognizing little more than the word “fun” and the inquisitive tone.

“Wanna do it again next weekend? Got a good hunch on a faulty gun deal we could make a buck on,“ Fiona offered, “If your dad will let us.”

They nodded, mouthful of vanilla ice cream with chocolate syrup dripping down their face.

“You can’t tell your dad what we did though, Connie,” Sasha said, bribing them with a spoon, “Or else you won’t be able to hang out with us anymore.”

“‘Cause we’ll be dead.”

“Fiona! Don’t tell the baby we’ll be dead!”

“Calm down, I know think they know what ‘dead’ means.”

They didn’t. Connie blinked up at them blankly, not really understanding most of what they were saying. But they seemed to be paying extra attention to them and frankly, that was enough.

“Anyways, happy birthday, kid,” Fiona said, crouching down to give the sticky, sugar-coated hatchling a hug. Sandwiching them on the other side was Sasha.

Over the next few months Rhys was somewhat confused as to how often the Pandoran sisters started offering to take Connie for babysitting. He supposed they must have had fun getting to play with the hatchling and honestly, making sure they didn’t hurt themselves was almost constant so he didn’t mind the break.

He was getting increasingly suspicious of the bags they brought home which immediately disappeared before he could check them though.


	9. One Year: Katana

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Part five of five in each of the individual outings for the hatchling's first hatchday.
> 
> Zer0 with Katana.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last of the hatchday chapters! I'm free.

There were very few places on Pandora where Zer0 could comfortably walk around without their helmet.

Normally the world was simply too bright and too loud. Well, it was still too loud. Guns, a thing.

Zer0 and Katana stood on a crest, staring down into a dark valley of the Eridium Blight. One of the few places consistently dark enough for Zer0 to see, eyes unshielded. Nighttime helped as well, the moon being the only thing illuminating the dead earth around them. Katana looked around with wonder at their creepy surroundings, watching deadly fauna jump and swoop and fly. They loved it.

The headset looped around the back of Zer0’s otherwise exposed head, clamped tight over the small openings which constituted their “ears.” Normal jumpsuit swapped out for a less distinguishable one, patterned different and exposing their naturally armored arms.

Had anyone ever seen their home planet but them they would recognize it as an acceptable, usually ceremonial, variation of the standard assassin gear.

It was weird, being exposed like this. But one extremely important thing Zer0 knew about the hatchlings is they really, really didn’t like Zer0 wearing a helmet. Whenever they got home they’d be swarmed by too many tiny hands grabbing at their legs, squeaking unhappily until the offending headgear was removed.

Zer0 didn’t get why they cared but seemed to accept Rhys’s possible explanation of it being some bonding thing.

Either way, four sets of red eyes blinked up at the dark, purple sky.

Katana was taking this very, very seriously.

They'd even allowed Zer0 to put them in a very tiny armored suit. Impressed by the fact Katana let them do it so easily considering the rest of them were still difficult to even get into the customary little grey dresses.

Katana was… different though. While Zer0 didn't pretend to be an expert in hatchling development it was obvious Katana was extremely advanced for their age. Sure Maige and Vee might be smarter than Katana but they were leagues more mature than their siblings.

It was a bit like seeing an adult trapped in the body of a child. Unlike their siblings which had been very humanized in their upbringing, Katana remained remarkably close to a home world hatchling. They were largely uninterested in playing with soft toys and cuddling unlike their nestmates.

The softness of the other hatchlings concerned Zer0. Oftentimes Zer0 found themself having to remember that most humans were raised like this and they seemed to turn out fine. For example, Gaige had lived an extremely cushy and soft life before the science fair but even though she was small and weak she’d built herself a strength of her own. A robot to fight for her and a metal arm that could punch through concrete.

Then again… Rhys had been raised the same way on the same planet and he was… Well, Zer0 wasn’t prone to judging Rhys but honestly they were constantly confused by the fact he hadn’t been brutally murdered yet. Seemingly getting by with dumb luck and a death wish that the universe didn’t want to grant.

Of course, the odds were tipped in Rhys’s favor now. Being married to an overpowered alien assassin and everything. But while Zer0 could easily keep one human with a propensity for making enemies safe they had concerns about what would happen when the hatchlings were all bigger.

But if they’re all soft and helpless… Zer0 can’t take care of all of them forever. Would they find mates that could protect them? Would they stop being squishy and get tough themselves? Would they just die on this uncaring planet?

Katana was the only one whose future they didn’t fear for. They were already hardened, ready for whatever harsh Pandoran living was going to throw at them. A Vault Hunter, Zer0 imagined, just like them. Even now they didn’t want to hug, they wanted to fight. Often they tried to engage the other hatchlings in playfighting. Rarely did the other hatchlings accept and if they did, it usually ended in them being immediately beat by the much bigger Katana and crying for Rhys. Conversely, Zer0 had only seen Katana go to Rhys for comfort one or two times in their entire life.

Katana was, and always would be, different.

But to Zero, they were something they could understand. Zer0 appreciated that.

What they were doing now was the only thing that felt normal about raising hatchlings to Zer0. Whereas humans excitedly wait for small, cute accomplishments like first words or first steps Zer0 was waiting for something considerably more… dramatic. A first kill.

Normally this was something reversed for the second birthday but Katana was big enough and strong enough that Zer0 felt they were ready. They supposed they’d have to do this again next year with the rest, possibly have to wait even longer for Vee to be able to do this.

Part of them wondered if they ever would. Vee still stood at only a foot and a half compared to the average sized hatchlings at two feet, Katana who towering over the rest at already three feet tall.

The tiny sword hanging off Katana belt glowed red in the purple tinted light. A precaution, in case something came too close. The real weapon hung off Zer0’s back. Hefty, red and white. An anniversary gift from Rhys. Extremely powerful sniper rifle.

Zer0 enjoyed how Katana never seemed to mind if they didn't talk, instead clicking to get the hatchling to follow them.

It was a careful trek up the mountain. While Zer0 was armed, they weren't exactly interested in attracting the attention of a Bullymong troop or a flock of Rakk with Katana there. Too easy to get them smushed or carried off. No their target was something a little more… small and fleshy.

Scooping up Katana, Zer0 started scaling an incredibly high, pointed, jagged rock with ease. It took a few minutes to finally reach the somewhat flat top. Perching on its peak they let Katana situate themself on their lap, more than eager to look around from this high vantage point. Hundreds of feet off the ground.

You could see the whole Blight from up here. Remnants of Hyperion still littered the area and probably would forever, most notably the now-dull and rusted statue of Handsome Jack that resided near an entrance. Leftover Loaderbots still roamed, ignored by and ignoring the Bullymong thudding around. Various bandit encampments still pocked the land, their loud inhabitants screaming for blood.

Zer0 flipped the sniper rifle off their back, adjusting it against their own shoulder and looking down into a nearby settlement. Plenty of targets.

Katana was patiently waiting, watching, to try and figure out what Zer0 was doing.

It became obvious to them quickly.

Holding up the sniper rifle still, Zer0 helped Katana squirm around until the hatchling’s back was pressed against their chest. From that angle they could crane their little neck up to look through the scope themself.

They weren’t quite strong enough to hold the rifle themselves but Zer0 let them guide it around and search the camp for a target. Small finger hovering over the trigger.

A low, clicking noise in the back of their throat emanated from the tiny hatchling.

Screech. They pulled the trigger back and the thundering crack broke the grim silence of the Eridium Blight. Gun kicking back harmlessly against Zer0’s shoulder.

Nothing, though. The bullet demolished a mailbox next to the desired bandit.

Said bandit started looking around wildly, trying to figure out where the bullet had come from. But the two aliens were nestled too far away to be seen that easily.

Zer0 let Katana try to line up the shot again, moving to follow the now confused bandit.

Screech. Bang. Another miss.

“Relax,” Zer0 said, the first and only word spoken since they left the Atlas building.

Katana listened, Zer0 feeling them loosen up as they got ready to try again.

Screech. Bang. Scream.

This time Katana hit the mark, the bandit’s head exploding into a mess of blood and brains against the side of a small hut like a priceless work of art.

Immediately, Katana started jumping up and down. Loudly screeching in victory and grabbing at Zer0’s arm, pointing at the dead bandit. They happily accepted the hug Zer0 offered, nuzzling into their shoulder in a very, very rare show of physical affection.

It didn’t get to last very long though as the hatchling’s jubilation had drawn the attention of the surviving bandits below.

Ignoring the gunshots, Zer0 took off with Katana. The hatchling seemed to enjoy running away, trilling in joy as Zer0 pinged from rock to rock as they descended.

Back on the ground they sprinted back towards the fast travel station.

They could finish celebrating on the walk home.

\---

Zer0 walked into the apartment a bit obscenely late, Katana sleeping on their shoulder.

Rhys looked frazzled, having just picked up Vee, “Where were you? Why is everyone so late?!”

“Sorry,” Zer0 weakly offered, “Lost track of time.”

He didn’t really want a fight so Rhys just held up his arms to take Katana, “It’s… it’s fine, let me just put them to bed.”

Obliging, Katana was handed over. Bright red eyes blinked open sleepily, looking around before snuggling up close to Rhys and falling back asleep. Extremely surprised, Rhys wasn’t used to receiving any affection from the otherwise standoffish hatchling.

Rhys just smiled up at Zer0, pointing at Katana like ‘are you seeing this shit?!” before disappeared into the bedroom to tuck the hatchling in.

Which was good considering Zer0 was looking for an out to avoid telling Rhys what they’d done for Katana’s hatchday.

By the time Rhys got Katana settled in, Zer0 was already asleep in their bed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> calypso? take your daughter to work day
> 
> maige? painting with her aunts
> 
> vee? board night with uncle vaughn
> 
> connie? fucking rob a place with your dodgy-ass aunts
> 
> katana? j u s t s t r a i g h t u p k i l l s o m e o n e


	10. Two Years

It was hard for Rhys to call them “hatchlings” anymore.

According to Zer0 they still counted as babies until they reached their adult height but Rhys had already started switching to “kids.”

Figured they were raised human enough that it’d be alright to use human terms for things.

Vee was still a hatchling in Rhys’s eyes. They were still very small, only two feet tall. The average-sized trio stood at two and a half. Katana stood at an alarming three and a half. They were literally over half Rhys’s height. At two years old.

Frankly, Rhys was admittedly a little scared of Katana. It was very obvious they were going to be considerably taller than him and was looking like they were even going to dwarf Zer0.

And they were still incredibly prone to picking fights.

There was one difference now though. The other hatchlings started fighting back.

For what they lacked in stature on the oversized Katana, they made up for in numbers. Brute strength found itself clashing against less clunky obstacles.

Calypso could turn damn near anything into a weapon. Incredibly resourceful, they always seemed to grab the perfect object to defend themself if Katana should try to do anything. Any time something turned up broken, Rhys started to assume Calypso was the one who broke it.

Maige had uncomfortable precision. Zer0 themself wondered about that, the kid seemed unnaturally attuned to knowing the weak points of their opponent. Especially considering there weren’t exactly alien anatomy books lying around.

Connie had sheer aggression. Rhys was especially wary about leaving them alone with Katana as he’d first hand seen them attempt to claw out their bigger sibling’s eyes. More than the others, they’d fight. Not to defend themself sometimes, even, just to fight. At least Connie tended to leave the non-instigating kids alone; all their aggression aimed pointedly at Katana.

Vee… Vee was the only one who had nothing. While Rhys hadn’t shared Zer0’s concern for Vee in their hatchling state as they got older… it was a bit alarming how helpless they were. They mostly solved being attacked by Katana by screaming until one of the others came to help.

At least the other hatchlings were amenable to helping their tiny sibling. Maige in particular was protective of them as they were close in general. It wasn’t unusual to see the two of them curled up together, napping. Calypso was close to them as well but it was almost like they were in charge of the other two. Rhys’d be lying if he said we wasn’t proud of that.

Connie sometimes comes to help when Vee screams too but Rhys had a pretty strong hunch that was less affection for Vee and more of an excuse to fight Katana.

It was starting to wear on him.

Also it didn’t help that it was abundantly clear that, even at only two years old, any of the kids could probably kill Rhys if they really, really wanted to.

He’d gotten caught between fights trying to break them up which had left him with numerous scars. Something he had no idea how to deal with considering he’d only ever seen human kids who, you know, don’t have jagged little fanged mouths and sharp, tough plates covering their body.

Not that he thought he was in any particular danger of them actively hurting him. Even the more standoffish ones like Connie and Katana had started showing more signs of affection as they got older. In weird ways. Rhys didn’t really like Katana randomly bringing him dead things but they looked so damn proud he couldn’t burst their bubble.

In a rare moment of peace they were watching a movie, Rhys resting his head on Zer0’s lap and getting his hair played with. If it weren’t for Vee sleeping all curled up against his chest it’d be like the old days before all the children.

Remarkably even Katana and Connie were calm and it was extremely surprising how close they were sitting to each other without fighting. Calypso and Maige still kept their distance from each other, each curled against a different arm of the chair but occasionally chittering at each other.

As the movie ended, Rhys started talking to Zer0, “Do you think they actually understand each other?”

Zer0 shrugged, “Do not know. Maybe.”

“Wow, that’s a helpful answer.”

“Although. Gaige is working on that.”

“What?” Rhys asked, rolling his eyes up to look at Zer0 with confusion, “What are you talking about?”

“Did I not mention? Took scan,” they tapped on the glowing red vocal implant in their chest, “Try to replicate, simplify. External, hopefully. Unknown if will work. Maybe.”

Rhys perked up at that, carefully rolling over Vee to examine their sleeping face, “So they could start really talking? No more screaming?”

“If it works. They are smart enough. To talk, I mean. Matter of technology. Could be years.”

Rolling onto his back, openly ignoring the movie, Rhys found himself unable of keeping his mind from wandering to concerns. The kids were already incredibly intelligent and aggressive. Communication might only make that worse.

But a larger part of him desperately wanted them to talk. As cute as he thought the chirping and the clicking was Rhys would really rather actually talk to them. Could maybe even help them with problems they can’t really communicate.

However, Rhys had a bigger hunch that it was going to cause more issues.

\---

Half a year later, the constant in-fighting was coming to a head.

Before this, Zer0 had been content to let them go at it. They considered it “normal hatchling behavior.” Leaving Rhys as the sole objector to letting the kids sock the crap out of each other. But now, as the fights got more aggressive, Zer0 intervened.

It was easy for Rhys to forget Zer0 wasn’t ever actually speaking, so used to the slightly mechanical but otherwise human voice they usually used to communicate through their implant. But one night as Connie and Katana were fighting loud enough for it to be heard two floors away, Rhys got a reminder.

Before he himself could even make a move to pull the two warring kids apart, Zer0 was on their feet and hunched over at them. All four bright red eyes slitted and enraged.

The ensuing shriek was deeper and much more unearthly, two tones contrasting and echoing off each other.

Not used to having their significantly more scary parent express anything other than passive tolerance of their bad behavior and slightly aloof affection, Connie and Katana immediately stopped fighting. Staring up at the significantly larger alien in awe.

As quick as they got up Zer0 slunk back to curl next to Rhys.

There was an awkward silence in the wake of their outburst, where everyone just… looked at each other. Waiting to see what would happen next.

After a few tense moments, Katana stood up and walked towards Connie again. Instead of trying to claw at their smaller sibling they gruffly wrapped their arms around under the other’s waist, hoisting Connie off the ground and carrying/dragging them to the unoccupied second arm chair.

They couldn’t quite call it cuddling but they were touching without hurting each other, which was really an accomplishment for them. It was only Connie’s feet, curled up under them and pressed against Katana’s knee but it was most certainly the only non-violent physical interaction they’d ever had since they were freshly hatched.

Rhys smiled and patted Zer0’s chest affectionately, thinking they’d solved the problem.

\---

A week later it was abundantly clear that not only had Zer0 not solved the problem but made it significantly worse.

Clear as day, a division split the group. Maige and Vee always seemed content to follow Calypso but as it became official as things… changed.

While, yes, the long standing feud between Katana and Connie was over the kids’ relationship mutated. Rather than trying to kill each other, Connie seemed to accept a position as Katana’s underling.

Calypso, Maige and Vee were their new targets naturally. Unfortunately, considering none of the three had Katana’s size or Connie’s sheer tenacity it was a bit one-sided. They were getting better and better at defending themselves but that can only go so far. Usually, eventually, it ended with them at least trying to shield Vee due to their unusually small size.

Not only had they teamed up but now they’d learned to be sneakier. No longer would they try to pick fights when Zer0 was around and usually even avoided Rhys.

As a result, Calypso, Maige and Vee began to revolve around Rhys. He absolutely didn’t understand why, the other two having become more careful about fighting their siblings. Had they been small humans they would have been littered with bruises but their tough alien skin bore no marks. Thankfully, it also meant it didn’t hurt much. But discomfort is discomfort.

Rhys just smiled every time the trio ran up to him, glad that the kids were crawling over each other just to get to sit on his lap.


	11. Three Years

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rhys's two sisters learn he's married with kids and come to visit.

As their little feud waged the hatchlings grew and grew. By another years’ time they’d all sprouted up a little more.

The trio were all three foot now. Vee was still slightly under two and a half feet, always playing catch up with the others. Conversely, Katana had already reached a mildly alarming four feet. Gaige hadn’t completed the devices yet though so despite their increasingly intelligent minds they were still incapable of speech.

Rhys wasn’t terribly preoccupied with their absurdly fast growth though, as a last minute ECHO message came through one of his devices late into the night.

Zer0 walked into the room as Rhys ran out, tiny hoard of kids chasing after him.

Blinking confusedly a few times, Zer0 walked towards the computer. Leaning calmly forward. Examining the screen but not opening the voice message.

The name attached wasn’t familiar to Zer0. Rachyl.

Following after where Rhys had disappeared to they found him frantically trying to clean up the living room. A difficult task considering every time he put away a toy one of the hatchlings would grab at it, squeaking in protest.

Zer0 watched in silence for a second before speaking, “Who is Rachyl?”

Already stressed, Rhys jumped at that, dropping a stuffed skag which was quickly snatched up by Connie and ran away with. Panting he turned around, still sitting on the ground, “Don’t sneak up on me like that.”

Ignoring the fact they didn’t consider that sneaking Zer0 apologized, “Sorry.”

Sighing Rhys laid on his back, staring at the ceiling as all the kids swarmed him, “It’s fine. Sorry. I’m freaked out. Rachyl is… my sister. The older one. The younger one is Rybecca. They’re both coming… tomorrow. Last minute, like always. They somehow managed to hear I’m married and have kids now and they want to come meet them. Just Rybecca would be fine. Like, she’s kind of dumb but not a bad person. Rachyl though... I have to clea- Connie stop it!”

The chastized kid was in the process of not only undoing his work but pulling out even more toys. Connie looked unrepentant though, only giving him a single screech before continuing to make a mess.

Rhys just looked dejectedly at Zer0, pointing at the misbehaving child.

“Bedtime,” Zer0 calmly said, scooping up Connie and gesturing for the others to follow.

Stepping in between the scattered toys of the kids’ room Zer0 wondered if this room would be cleaned as well. Unlike the living room which remained fairly clean, the kids’ room was a nightmare.

The entire room had been painted black. Unlike Zer0 they didn’t need darkness but they did seem to prefer it. Two large bunk beds filled the room, blankets hanging off the top ones to cover the bottom. Canopies also helped the cover the top as well, giving each of them their own little hidey hole.

Katana ran past them, easily scrambling up into their top bunk. Connie allowed themself to be placed on the one below them, although refusing to let go of Zer0’s wrist until properly tucked in. There was a dull clunk as they imitated Rhys’s usual forehead kiss, ignoring the fact it really didn’t work without lips.

Reaching up, they felt around the top before Katana grabbed their arm and gently bit their hand. A pat on the head in return. Simple, distant. The odd type of affection Katana preferred.

Grabbing Calypso by the back of their dress Zer0 deposited them on the other top bunk. Happily making that odd stuttering noise they made that imitated human laughter as they clung onto their arm. Prodding at their squishy underbelly they started beeping until they let go.

Sticking their head between the sheets Zer0 observed the last two, already asleep. Curled up together like a couple of kittens, Vee’s favorite oversized teddy bear smushed between them as another pillow. Cute. Zer0 carefully tucked the sheets tighter around them.

Turning the lights off they returned to the living room. It was remarkable how much work Rhys could get done when the kids aren’t actively undoing every effort. Lying on his back in the middle of the now clear floor, toys neatly stacked on shelves. Staring straight forward at the ceiling just as he had earlier.

Eyes moved as Zer0 leaned slightly over into his view, “Feel better?”

“No.”

“Bedtime.”

“No,” Rhys reiterated.

“Do they… know?”

Rhys blinked in confusion, “About what?”

Zer0 looked down, vaguely gesturing at themself.

For a few seconds that didn’t clear anything up, leaving Rhys staring at them blankly.

Oh right he’s married to a terrifying alien assassin and all his children are screaming little extremely-not-human-looking alien babies.

“Shit… that… that’s going to…”

“Be an issue?” Zer0 finished, tilting his head.

The silence was heavy. There’s no nice way to put ‘my finicky and distant sisters definitely aren’t going to be okay with this and I have no idea how they’re going to behave.’ Rhys squirmed before speaking, “I’m not… I’m not ashamed of you guys or anything. But they… my sisters… probably will be. Well… probably only Rachyl. I don’t think Rybecca will care. Let’s just… it’ll be over with quickly, they won’t stay. Just suffer through it, we’ll be fine. I have to finish cleani-”

He pushed himself up to continue cleaning the already acceptable room. Stopped short by a thin but powerful arm easily hoisting him off the ground one-handed.

Rhys immediately gave up, knowing it was already too late to vacuum or really do anything. That’d just wake up the kids, sending them into a squeaking fit of discontent. He’d just have to wake up early tomorrow.

Right now he just obediently let Zer0 dump him on the bed. Thankfully he was already in his pajamas, just pushing himself under the sheets. Asleep within seconds, a coma of stress. Barely awake long enough to feel Zer0’s attempts to comfort him.

\---

Two sets of heels clicked on the tiles of the Atlas building’s reception area.

The assistants didn’t even bother asking who the two women were, they could take an educated guess.

Rachyl’s resemblance to Rhys was immediately obvious. Most people thought they were twins, not that she was a few years older. Even taller, her features were more severe. Her face thinner and more pointed. Dark brown eyes unfriendly as the swept the crowd. The assistants avoided eye contact with her.

The second woman was less obvious. Still tall but slightly less so. Much more round-faced, light brown eyes glistening in the sunlight. As they walked she made an uncomfortably plastic attempt at connecting with each and every assistant.

As they approached the desk Rhys’s primary assistant Erica looked up at them.

She stuttered, “Uhm, hello! What’s your business at the Atlas corporation… building.”

Completely fumbled that carefully practiced introduction but it was so obvious that at least the taller woman was in some way related to her boss. Probably both.

“I’m Rachyl. Looking for my brother. Rhys.”

“I’ll.. I’ll get him,” Erica spat out, awkwardly failing to press the correct buttons to call up to his office. God she did this like twenty times a day. Why did her stupid hands have to betray her?

The walk to the office was tense. To Erica’s great discomfort, the shorter sister had latched onto her arm. Chattering away about some inane party she’d been to. The grip on her arm was ironclad, not allowing Erica to pull away even if she could.

After being buzzed in, Rhys saw his sisters for the first time in nearly ten years.

Conversely, his sisters got their first look at their estranged brother’s spouse.

To lessen the blow, Rhys and Zer0 had left the kids with Vaughn at the house with strict instructions not to let them make a mess. Frankly, if anyone could maintain that promise it would be Vaughn. The kids held him in high regard, even Connie usually being amenable to listening to him.

But right now they weren’t seeing all five of the squeaking babies, just their brother and a mysterious figure wearing a helmet.

Rachyl click towards the desk, Rybecca in tow with poor, poor Erica still held captive. The hug she gave her brother was the most unnatural thing Erica had ever seen in her life. Like a tarantula trying to show affection. She was given her freedom as Rybecca flounced over to join the hug as well.

Erica took the moment to skitter back a little, nearly crying tears of relief as Rhys gestured for her to return to work.

Letting go of their brother they took a closer look at their brother’s… husband?

Rachyl extended a hand to shake Zer0’s, “I’m Rachyl. That’s Rybecca.”

“Zer0,” they replied, monotone voice not a comfort to the two women as he shook the older’s hand. Doing the same in turn to a slightly freaked out Rybecca.

Before anything else could be said or done the shorter sister pulled Rachyl down, whispering something to her. It was extremely obvious what had been said as Rachyl immediately looked down at Zer0’s four fingered hands, eyes widening.

The walk upstairs was awkward. Rybecca remained nearly silent except to prattle on about some bigwig twice her age she was dating or the latest party she’d been to. Rachyl, on the other hand, seemed deeply preoccupied with probing questions about Zer0. While cautious about touching on the alien part she quickly gleaned everything else. Her brother was dating a sniper rifle-and-sword wielding deadly Vault Hunter assassin.

But she didn’t have to directly ask about the alien part as the apartment door opened.

As always the swarm was immediate. Four squeaking kids, demanding their parents’ attention. Rachyl couldn't’ stop herself from stepping back in fear of the unnatural creatures running at her. Only the fifth, Vee, was still curled up on Vaughn’s lap as he sat on the floor with them.

To Rhys’s confusion Vaughn wasn’t alone. Sitting on either side of him were the Pandoran sisters, Sasha leaning on his shoulder to poke at Vee’s belly.

The smug look on Fiona’s face said it all. They’d definitely found out from Vaughn that Rhys’s sisters were coming and they definitely wanted to see his weird family. Also, even now, it was extremely obvious they weren’t going to be leaving.

Rachyl looked mildly terrified at the tiny aliens now gently prodding at her and tugging on her pantsuit. Tiny hands grabbing at the air with an unmet, squeaky demand to be picked up and hugged. Rybecca seemed a little more okay with it, picking Connie up and letting them tug at a large bangle on her wrist.

“A-and these are?” Rachyl stuttered out, gesturing in equal confusion to the squeaking babies and the strangers sitting on the ground.

“Well, the little aliens are my kids. Calypso, Katana, Maige, Connies and Vee’s over there,” Rhys said, pointing at the various hatchlings which were mostly fascinated by the woman who looked like their dad. Katana seemed perturbed by Rachyl though. Staring up at her coldly.

Before he could introduce the sisters they were already on their feet, using this as a chance to get a better look at Rhys’s elusive family.

Rachyl seemed uncertain as her hand was gripped by Fiona who introduced herself as such, “I’m Fiona. Your nerd brother’s second best friend.”

Sasha grabbed the other sisters, “Sasha. Other second best. We’re tied.”

Fiona stuck her tongue out at her sister.

Vaughn approached last, looking excruciatingly uncomfortable and holding onto Vee like a very tiny life raft. He didn’t seem to know how to handle this but eventually, reluctantly, shook Rachyl’s hand, “I was... I’m… I’m Vaughn. Best friend. Of Rhys.”

Before Rachyl or Rybecca could further question any of them Rhys started pushing them towards the dining room.

The meal had been prepared by some underlings, thankfully they’d made it big enough that it didn’t really matter that three more people were staying. Vaughn made sure to pad himself away from Rhys’s sisters with Fiona and Sasha, immediately regretting his decision to agree to watch the kids.

Zer0 was just about equally uncomfortable, especially considering Rachyl was staring at him and not touching the food in front of her. Rhys was the one to interject in that though, “Any… any reason you’re staring them down?”

“It’s rude to wear a helmet at the table,” Rachyl replied, neatly manicured hands crossed on her lap.

Awkward silence fell, even Rybecca let Sasha know one second of peace from her blather. Rhys started, “Zer0 doesn’t really take off their helmet.”

Rachyl said nothing, just continuing to glare at Zer0. Her own malice was being matched by the hatchling sitting next to her. A fork curled in Katana’s hand. A warning.

Before Rhys could further defend Zer0 they suddenly moved.. Ignoring the “ho-ho-holy shiiiiit” coming from Fiona as Zer0 slid off the helmet, setting it on the side table behind them with a clunk. Thankfully their incredibly stiff face hid their immense discomfort with this situation. Sasha broke the silence by wolf whistling appreciatively.

Fiona decided to try to help pull the attention away from Zer0, the elder leaning over the table as she stabbed a mouthful with her fork, “So. Why don’t you tell us some embarrassing kid Rhys stories. From like, before Vaughn even knew him.”

“Not much to say,” Rachyl said, immediately brushing the question off, “Weird kid. Not a lot of friends. Seemed to change that somehow. Before it was just him and Veronica. We always thought he’d end up with her not... “

Rachyl hesitated, not really knowing how to address the alien sitting next to her. Staring at her with four, big, empty red eyes. Even if not “Veronica” they certainly hadn’t expected Rhys to end up with something like… like this.

“Who’s Veroni-” Fiona started before a sharp kick to her ankle from Rhys told her to fucking drop it.

It was too late though, Rybecca butted in, “Veronica was Rhys’s only friend through middle and high school. Kind of like, a dumpy chick. Eyes only for Rhys. Everyone always thought she’d shape up after high school and snatch our brother up into marriage. Do you still talk to her?”

Rhys… didn’t know how to answer that, “Kind… kind of?”

Rybecca stared at him, looking for a real answer with wide, innocent eyes. He could see Vaughn shrinking into his seat behind her while the Pandoran sisters looked at him in confusion.

As luck would have it a distraction arose as Vee went into one of their little coughing fits.

“Oh noooo, is the baby sick?” Rybecca said, picking up the upset hatchling with ease and putting them on their lap.

Thankfully, now that Rybecca was holding one of the kids Rachyl seemed to shut up as she watched it carefully, untrusting. So focused on that that she didn’t notice the one next to her glaring up at her with evident hatred.

Eventually she started up again though, “How did you two end up together?”

The accusatory tone didn't evade Rhys, “Just a weird Vault Hunting adven-”

A harsh laugh cut him off as Rachyl waved that notion away, “Vault Hunting? You? Them I’d buy, they’re a little terrifying, but you?”

“I was INSIDE a Vault so… believe it,” Rhys replied, irritated, cutting his food a little more vigorously than necessarily.

Rachyl was still looking at him with a smug look of disbelief as Fiona spoke up, not tremendously enjoying someone other than her and Sasha ripping on Rhys, “Yeah. He did. We went in there together. After killing a Vault monster. All of us.”

Once again Rachyl’s skeptical eyes swept the table, “Well, I’d buy you and your sister doing that. You’re… rustic. Pandoran. But my brother? He’s always been a huge wimp. I mean, when I ripped the head off his favorite little dolly when he was five he cried for like a month. Then he went and learned how to sew to put the head back on.”

“So you were a total dick to him and instead of just taking it he went and fixed it,” Sasha said, pointing a fork accusingly, “That sounds like Vault Hunter material to me. You don’t have to be strong, necessarily, just have an edge on the competition. Adaptability is an edge.”

Zer0 nodded, not a fan of talking without their helmet around strangers, “Like Gaige. Very small girl, very big robot. Balances out.”

Rhys smiled at that, greatly enjoying both of the Pandoran sisters standing up for him. Rachyl just scoffed though, “Whatever, not like it got him much. CEO of a dead company and marrying some weird alien… thing. Came here thinking maybe you’d made something of yourself. And what do you have? A nearly empty building and these.”

Gesturing derisively at the assortment of kids, which were all staring at her and genuinely confused. They'd never encountered someone expressing open distaste with them. Rachyl’s close appearance to their father further making them upset not being coddled by her.

She paid no mind to Zer0’s already slitted eyes narrowing at her, focused entirely on the fact Rhys looked ready to lunge across the table at her. His robot hand was starting to dent the table in a death grip as he stood up and yelled at her, “At least I’m happy and have a family! Why did you even come if you were just going to be an asshole?! This is why I don't talk you know what right?!”

“I CAME to see cute BABIES. Human ones. Soft and squishy. Of which there are none here.”

“They're kind of squishy…” Rybecca said, defending the kids as she squished at Vee’s belly while they squeaked up at her, “Rachyl you promised me you wouldn’t do this…”

“And YOU were the one who wanted to come,” she shot back, now joining her brother in standing.

Rybecca was all but cowering now, confident, chatty bubble bursted, “I wanted to see Rhys… you’re scaring the babies...”

Rachyl continued to yell louder, slamming her hands down in front of Katana and Connie, making them flinch in fear, “Well, you saw him, we all saw him, and I don’t care if I’m scaring the creepy little fucks.”

She stood up abruptly, shoving Rhys back down into his chair as she tried to rip Vee out of Rybecca’s hands so she could drag her sister out and be done with this debacle. Even now she was yelling obscenities and taking low blows at both of her siblings.

However the second Rachyl tore a terrified and screeching Vee away from Rybecca her tirade was cut short in three parts.

For a second Rhys didn’t really comprehend what the sudden explosion of noise and sharp bits was. Then his mind pieced together that the thing that had shattered against the back of Rachyl’s head was a plate of food, thrown by Calypso who was currently crouched on all fours on the table and screaming at her aunt.

But while the shattered plate had dazed Rachyl there was the more pressing issue of the four-holed stab wounds quickly being made in her back and side as Katana went at her with the fork still curled in their hand. They were jerked away from her by Zer0 but not before about ten bright red patches started soaking through her suit.

The rest was a blur. Poor Vee was dropped on the door as she ran out screaming for a doctor, Rybecca panicking and chasing after her.

All of the remaining adults were dead silent in a shock, even Zer0, as the kids continued to cry and fuss. Vee pushed themselves up, fine, but very upset and crawled up on Rhys’s lap.

Fiona broke the silence with a crisp, “What the fuck?”

“I… well… shit, I don’t know. She’s always been a jerk but I just…” Rhys tried to justify his sister’s batshit actions but found nothing.

Sasha leaned over the table, looking at an odd pool of blood on the table, “Hey, what caused this? Wasn’t Katana just stabbing her in the back?”

Before they could puzzle out how so much blood ended up there it became obvious what the third part of the kids’ attack was.

Vee leaned forward over Rhys’s plate, coughing again, as they spat out two of Rachyl’s bit off fingers.


	12. Four Years

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Vaughn and the Pandoran Sisters notice the kids' lack of discipline when they're left alone with the pack.

A couple weeks after that disastrous dinner Rhys received a hospital bill in the mail from Rachyl, including the cost of replacing two of her fingers with robotic ones.

Rhys sent back a firm “fuck you” with a reminder that just the babies had maimed her and there was a much bigger, larger, deadlier alien who could finish the job. Easily and willingly. She never replied back.

He’d also received a message from Rybecca. Hers was much more… apologetic. At the absolute worst she seemed to be worried about him but honestly he kind of couldn’t fault her considering his least aggressive baby had literally bitten off Rachyl’s fingers.

It hadn’t taken much to placate her, insisting he wasn’t in danger and sending pictures and videos of the kids in their normal, not-trying-to-kill-someone state. After a few messages she expressed nervous interest in seeing them again. Eventually. With no Rachyl in sight.

Over the last year Rhys had focused on teaching the kids to read and write. Probably should have started that earlier but honestly? He’d always thought of them as younger than they are, considering the fact they couldn’t talk to him.

They were all quite fond of their little whiteboards, excited to actually communicate with the adults. Full sentences were a bit much, considering they had to write it out, so they mostly wrote just a word or two. Maige was fond of using drawings to communicate as well.

It also hadn’t taken long for the kids to figure out that Rhys would do damn near anything they asked if they tacked “daddy” onto their requests.

After seeing what Rhys’s actual sisters were like Fiona and Sasha had seemed to latch onto the concept that they were his new sisters now. They even finally took him up on his request for them to move into the Atlas tower with them. At the exact midpoint between his and Vaughn’s apartments they’d moved in.

Hell, they even let him pay for real furniture. Even though they insisted that they had final say on what was put in there. None of that modern art crap. At the end they’d reached a decent compromise. Lots of practical furniture, draped in cloth. Earthy colors and not extremely well lit.

The last bit was somewhat for Zer0. After Rachyl had insisted they take off their helmet that night they had turned a bit of a corner on being around people without it. The Pandoran sisters were beaming with pride that they got to be one of few people who Zer0 let see that. Felt a bit bad that Zer0 was so sensitive to light and sound though.

The kids liked it too. They didn’t need the dark but damned if they didn’t like it. Rolling all over each other they scooted around under curtains and blankets squeaking. Made it a bit of a gamble to sit without checking that there wasn’t a kid hiding under there.

It was a good thing they liked it so much though because it was going to be the first time in their lives they weren’t going to have either of their parents with them.

They’d grown accustomed to sometimes being with only one of their parents. Zer0’d have Vault Hunting and assassin business far away. Rhys had business conferences. Coincidentally, they’d never coincided until this weekend.

This time the kids were old enough to understand “our parents are leaving” and “they will come back” but it certainly didn’t deter some of them from being sad about it.

Calypso took it the worst. They always did, when Rhys left them. For the first few hours they spent their time drawing a surprising number of him before lying, facedown, on the pile of drawings making sad noises. While the alien kids couldn’t cry (no tear ducts) they imitated the wailing sounds of children they’d seen in movies.

Katana dealt with their unhappiness the way they always did. Hiding somewhere in the apartment. A few hours later Fiona’ll forget, open a closet, and lose her shit at the creepy little alien staring up at her.

The other three weren’t as attached to their parents in particular. Maige was quietly drawing next to Calypso. Gently placing drawings of Rhys around their whimpering sibling. Connie was fiddling around with a lock the sisters had given them to play with. Locking and unlocking it with increasing ease.

Vee was quietly sitting on Vaughn’s lap, gently gnawing on his hand affectionately.

“You must have balls of steel to let Vee chew on you like that. Like… you saw them bite off Rachyl’s fingers right?” Sasha teased, prodding at Vee’s tum.

“They only did it because Rachyl scared them. You wouldn’t hurt me, would you?”

Vee shook their head, stopping their gnawing for long enough to hug the hand instead.

“See? I trust them.”

“I trust Connie but I wouldn’t let them bite me,” Fiona said, pulling said kid over to them despite their squirming.

A distraction from their discussion, Calypso pushed themself up and doodled on their whiteboard before holding it up, ‘Daddy.’

“He’ll be back in a few days,” Vaughn calmly explained.

They shook their board more aggressively at him.

Sasha crouched down and scooped up the protesting kid, “Sorry, Callie, he’ll be back real soon and he’ll probably have gifts for you.”

Unhappy with that answer, Calypso smacked Sasha upside the head with the board while they squeaked indignantly.

“Fuck!” Sasha swore, rubbing at the sore spot with every semblance of pity for the tiny creature gone, “Does Rhys like… discipline them literally at all? He has to know they’re getting more violent, right?”

“Doubt it,” Fiona scoffed, wiggling Connie as they started to look interested in biting her wrists, “I don’t think they’ve ever been in time out or had consequences ever.”

“Oh yeah, hell no,” Vaughn confirmed, “I’ve watched them break something, make eye contact with Rhys and he just says it’s cute. They’re spoiled rotten.”

“Okay, so we definitely need to talk to him about that right?” Sasha said, putting Calypso back on the ground, “But until then, I’m not gonna play along and they’re gonna start learning.”

Sasha plucked the board out of Calypso’s hands and put it up on a high shelf.

For a second, Calypso just stared confusedly at their own hands. Baffled by the concept that the big people could take something away from them. The other kids looked on curiously, even Katana lurking out of their hiding spot to see what the sudden silence was about.

As the concept of “being punished” dawned on Calypso they immediately lost their shit.

Dropping to the ground they immediately started throwing a remarkably human temper tantrum. Kicking and screaming. Were they capable of speech they’d probably be yelling obscenities.

“Aw, c’mon Sasha give them their board back,” Fiona said, “It’s not really our business anyways.”

“It’s gonna be. They’re gonna start being dangerous soon, right? I mean, Katana’s gonna be as tall as Vaughn soon.”

“She has a point,” Vaughn nodded. Admittedly he was already nervous around Katana who he just… couldn’t read. They already came up to his chest.

“You always take her side,” Fiona pouted.

“I’m his favorite,” Sasha bragged, ignoring the baby throwing a fit to lean against Vaughn’s side.

Vaughn sighed as Fiona also leaned on him, “Why can’t I be your favorite?”

“Right now you’re both lobbying for not being my favorite, get off,” Vaughn commanded as he tried and succeeded in squirming away, “If we’re going to deal with this we’re dealing with this the right way.”

Handing off Vee to Sasha, the girls and still curious children watched as he fished a large pillow off one of their new arm chairs and plopped it in the corner. Coming back he scooped up the still screaming Calypso with some difficulty.

Upon being picked up, Calypso’s crocodile tears stopped. Sasha took her board away but maybe Vaughn would give it back. Opening their four eyes as wide and hopeful as possible, they tried to invoke pity from him how they would their father. Tiny hand gently grabbing his shirt and pointing at their board.

Confused again, they resisted being put down on the pillow in the corner. Turned towards the wall it hit them that this is also punishment. The tantrum started up again, Calypso kicking and screaming.

Crouching down, Vaughn spoke calmly over the screeching, “Alright, when you’re done with screaming and want to apologize to Sasha you can have your board back. Until then, you stay there.”

All he got in return was screams but surprisingly Calypso remained on the pillow. 

Thankfully the screams started to be muffled as they rolled onto their stomach to scream into their plush prison.

The other kids were trying to piece everything together. Warily they clung to their own boards, not wanting to do anything to get theirs taken away too. Katana had slunk back into wherever their hidey hole was, avoiding the whole situation.

After a few seconds all but Calypso calmed back down. Connie lay across Fiona’s lap, fiddling with their lock while she patted their back. Vee had fallen asleep, curled into Vaughn’s stomach. Maige returned to her drawings. Some action movie droned in the background.

Eventually, during a quiet moment, there was a series of small patting noises as Calypso walked to the front of the couch.

In lieu of writing on their board, their apology consisted of them hugging Sasha’s leg and making little clicking noises.

After having their board returned, Calypso curled up against Sasha’s leg and joined Vee in taking a nap. It wasn’t long before Maige and Connie fell asleep as well.

The credits rolled on the movie as the adults started talking.

“So, you’ve known, Rhys for a long time. Ever thought you were going to be babysitting his weird alien children like this?” Fiona teased, pointing at Vee squished into his stomach.

“Well, I always assumed I’d probably be babysitting his kids eventually. I just pictured them with hair. And teeth. And less eyes. And skin.”

“Hey, they’ve got skin. Kinda,” Fiona said, carefully rubbing one of the few patches of slightly less leathery skin on their neck.

“Yeah but like… skin somewhere in the peach-to-dark-brown color range. And not so tough. Human skin.”

“Does it weird you out?” Sasha asked.

“No… not really. Not anymore. I guess it did at the start? Somehow, the ‘dating the alien’ part was weirder than the ‘alien babies’ part. I mean, they’re cute. Really cute. When they’re not trying to hurt someone at least.”

Vee squirmed in his lap, as if on cue.

“I think things will be okay,” he concluded.


	13. Five Years

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gaige has a surprise for Rhys, Zer0 and the kids.

They initially resisted the voice boxes being strapped to their necks.

It had only been a month or so since they just barely started accepting clothes other than their plain grey dresses. To Rhys’s delight, glad to be able to buy them cute little individualized outfits.

But now odd little devices were pushing against their throat and they really, really didn’t like that.

They listened intently as Gaige proudly explained that if they practiced, the makeshift voice boxes should work. It would still be a learning process but the kids were smart and she was sure they’d be talking soon.

If everything worked right she even claimed they’d have their own voices. A mixture of their natural vocal patterns and a bunch of preset voice programs Gaige’d found on the ECHOnet. It wouldn’t be as smooth and clear as Zer0’s vocal implant but they’d be able to talk at least.

The hatchlings were skeptical at first but as they tried to make their little boxes work they seemed to be amused.

Incapable of forming proper words immediately they started to continue to scream but through the boxes. Just a bunch of electronic voices going “AAAAAAAAAAAAAA” in varying pitches. Immediately, they were enraptured by the concept of having a human voice.

The next few days consisted of the death of silence. While the kids had already been fairly noisy they were now insatiable. All they wanted to do was scream.

Toneless yelling gave way to awkwardly formed noises. What would have equated to a baby’s babbling sounded unnatural, boxes wired to imitate older voices. Of toddlers, at the very youngest. Teenagers at the oldest.

Rhys frequently tried to engage them in a conversation, delighted by the prospect they possibly could. So far it was turning out in replies consisting of a mishmash of vowels and consonants. No words yet.

Despite the lack of return conversation Rhys continued to talk to them.

\---

A week later he caught Maige trying to draw on the wall again. They’d picked that up recently, seeming to realize that they could make the pristine, white apartment “prettier.”

Fishing the pencil out of their hand Rhys admonished them, “Maige! Third time this week, don’t draw on the wall.”

“Why?”

“Because walls aren’t for drawing they’re for… they’re for you know, being clean.”

“Why?”

It slowly sunk into Rhys’s mind that the soft, toneless voice wasn’t his usual projecting of one on his previously unresponsive kids. It had been an actual voice. Maige continued to look at him expectantly, wanting an answer to their question.

They didn’t get one though as they were picked up off the ground, their father too excited at the first word out of any of his kids’ mouths.

Zer0 and the other kids looked equally confused as Rhys bounded in holding Maige up Lion King style, “Zer0! They did the thing!”

“What?” Zer0 replied.

“Maige, Maige do it again,” Rhys asked, tilting Maige back so he could see their face.

They looked back at him then back at the rest of the family before saying it again, “Why?”

Zer0’s calm demeanor didn’t make their happiness evident, walking carefully between the hoard of much more excited kids to come and pat Maige on the head with an awkwardly formal, “Good job.”

\---

The voice boxes made the kids fighting a bit… weirder. The normal cacophony of screams has now mutated into weird pseudo-language of disjointed noises.

Rhys always had to try not to laugh at the weird off-tune screaming as he continued to break up fights. He’d been chastised by his friends for not punishing them and he’d been doing considerably better over the last year but it turned out to be much harder when they’re yelling at you in gibberish. No one respects a giggling man’s authority.

They were regressing a bit on the “behaving” and “listening to their parents” scale, just trying to imitate laughter back whenever he tried to stop them from fighting.

At least they were fighting a bit less of their own accord- more interested in yelling at each other with their shiny, new voice boxes instead of clawing at each other. Sometimes hanging onto each other’s arms, insisting their sibling stay by them to hear them get closer and closer to a real word.

Ironically, if there was a fight that was usually what it was over. Like their biological parent, they were averse to being restrained and didn’t have the empathy level to understand their siblings hated being clung to as well.

Connie, in particular, was prone to clinging to siblings while they tried to say words. Ironically, they were the least successful with talking so far.

Vee was the usual victim, being too weak to pull away when grabbed.

A night or so after Maige’s “Why” Connie was getting particularly aggressive about trying to talk. Rhys supposed they were irritated at not being the first and wanted to at least be the second.

They were getting more and more frustrated, shaking their helpless sibling while Vee abandoned their voice box entirely to screech normally at them. Before Rhys could try to break it up Vee decided to try for themselves.

It was surprisingly loud, even louder than their toneless screaming. The voice resembling a little boy’s, although sounding more like a ten-year-old than a four-year-old.

“STOP.”

Connie froze at that.

“STOP STOP STOP!!”

Thin, clawed hand let go of Vee’s wrist and they immediately scrambled off to try and hide behind Zer0. Burrowing between them and the couch like a small animal trying to get away from a predator. They received a pat on the head as well and the same, monotone, “Good job.”

\---

The third was simple.

Footsteps on the floor outside his room didn’t wake Rhys.

Neither did the door swinging open.

The quiet padding went unnoticed.

The surprisingly deep and commanding voice saying “Hungry” certainly woke Rhys up though.

“Fuck!” Rhys swore, pushing himself away from Katana with their four bright red eyes almost glowing in the dark.

“Hungry,” they insisted again, grabbing Rhys’s hand and shaking it a little. Demanding sustenance.

Heart beating in his chest, he sunk back into the otherwise empty bed. He was always on edge when Zer0 was gone overnight and Katana… well, they were already intimidating. And “hungry” was just about the creepiest first word they could have had.

He jumped again when Katana put a hand on his back, shaking him a little, “Hungry?”

“Yeah, I’m gonna get you some food just maybe… don’t wake people up from a dead sleep with ‘hungry.’”

Katana nodded but continued to stare, even after Rhys put a sandwich in their hands.

“Oh! Uh, right. Good job, Katana.”

Rhys pat them on the head, in lieu of Zer0 being there. Their reward for their first word. Now content Katana slunk back to their room with their 4AM snack.

Although proud, Rhys really wished at least one of them would get a normal first word.

\---

Irritated that they were now, at best, going to get the fourth first word slot, Connie was getting more belligerent about saying whatever word they were trying to get out. They were mulling over what word would be most impressive.

They spent one day just wrapped around Rhys’s leg, making incomprehensible noises at him with increasing anger. But, despite their efforts, instead of whatever cool word they were planning on they managed to accidentally spit out a different, less impressive word.

After a long silence on a lazy night they restlessly muttered, in a scratchy voice, “Bored.”

Then immediately pitched a fit as they realized they wasted their first word.

\---

Calypso was a bit less concerned about figuring out speech than their siblings.

They were much more content to continue to reap the rewards of continuing to act like a hatchling. Happy to just be quiet and cute. Squeak and beep. Be the baby, be spoiled. Vee may look more like one but they really don’t seem to like being patronized. More than the others they fought against being picked up and cooed at.

Hell, Calypso was the only one who actively seeked out being carried anymore. The average sized trio were starting to reach four foot. Despite their light weight it was starting to get cumbersome to carry them.

Rhys still obliged Calypso, even as Zer0 started to try to impress upon them the importance of growing up. It was always undermined by them being carried around by Rhys though.

Calypso had full intent to take advantage of this as long as possible. They knew eventually they’d be too big, they weren’t stupid, but for now they wanted to cling to it.

He knew it wasn’t good to play favorites with his kids but Calypso made it hard. They were infinitely more attached to him and clearly idolized him. It wasn’t that he didn’t care about the others but Maige and Katana were already content to stick to themselves, Vee seemed more interested in being left alone, and Connie… well, Connie was a wild card.

One of the biggest challenges the hatchlings had presented was that they just… weren’t human children. Their milestones were weird and staggered. They were eating meat immediately after being born but they couldn’t speak until now. Already acting like toddlers when they should have been babies. Their constant need to fight, worrisome even though he knew there were a lot hardier than a human kid.

Even their first words had been weird ones so far. Why, stop, hungry, bored.

Calypso was Rhys’s closest-to-normal child by a long shot.

It was always in the back of his mind that one day he wouldn’t be able to pick them up.

Erica greeted him as usual as he carried Calypso into his office, setting them down at the tiny play desk he’d acquired for them to play with.

Before he could walk to his own normal, adult sized desk the voice of a very young girl stopped him.

“Daddy?”


	14. Epilogue: 12 Years

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Holy shit it's finally done. This fanfic got a lot longer than originally intended. Originally it was going to shorter than "An Alien Concept" but eventually the outline pointed to something longer.
> 
> However, I decided to cut a few chapters between the last one and this, largely because they felt like rehashes of earlier chapters "but now they can talk!!" I'd rather have it be shorter and consistent than drag it out and jump the shark.
> 
> As to what I'll do next I'm not quite sure. My Borderlands Longfic Slot is open but I'm not sure if I want to pick up another right now. I have plenty of Borderlands one-shot and few chapter ones, I might bang out some of those.
> 
> To answer the inevitable question if I'll do any more in this series? Probably not. Considering anything after this would either be virtually entirely original and following the kids' adventures or well, if I keep following Rhs and Zer0, Rhys is already 42 by this epilogue so my remaining choice for that is a depressing "Zer0 takes care of an aging Rhys knowing they're going to outlive him" storyline which I don't think anyone really wants to read.

It’s been six years. Now at twelve the once hatchlings are fully grown.

Their temporary voice boxes had only been the start.

Although they became quite adept with them they eventually moved on to full implants. Gaige had a hard time duplicating Zer0’s but enjoyed the challenge.

It was mildly intimidating how much they towered over normal humans. Except Vee, who hit 5’5” and promptly stopped growing. However, the average sized trio were roughly Zer0’s height. All around 6’5”. The true terror grew in Katana though who now towered at a formidable 7’.

As they grew older their own personalities and identities flourished. Some of them even acquired more human traits, even opting to go by non-neutral pronouns. “He” for Vee and “she” for Connie and Calypso.

Vee seemed to have made peace with being small and somewhat sickly. For eons the rest of them thought he was going to be helpless. He even opted out of training to fight, initially protested by Zer0 but Rhys got them to comply.

Zer0 continued pushing to at least teach Vee to shoot a gun. Turns out Vee inherited exactly one violent trait from them. Being incredibly, shockingly accurate with a gun.

Despite this skill, Vee remains one of the less violent offspring. He enjoys building and improving his guns, using his knowledge to create prototypes for his father’s company. Atlas hadn’t quite hit the quality they had before being destroyed by Athena until Vee started creating guns for them.

Maige’s progress was expected. They only got smarter and smarter, although they preferred artistic ventures. While Vee creates the guns, Maige makes them look cool. Vital, Rhys considers.

Outside that they liked to make and sell art. Their custom gun and car paint jobs were the most popular.

Much like Vee they never really had any interest in fighting. However, Maige displayed a proficiency with holograms. Customized their own, usually only uses them to run away though.

Connie, unsurprisingly and immediately, turned to a life of crime. Whereas almost every other one of her siblings stayed and worked for Atlas, Connie started traveling with Fiona and Sasha the second she stopped physically growing. Initially Rhys protested that but after Connie ran away from home multiple times in protest he eventually decided “with Fiona and Sasha” was better than “i’unno.”

Never quite got any smarter though. Sneakier and more conniving, yes, but intelligent, no. To Fiona’s disappointment she was never good at smooth talking, usually just being assigned to creep around and steal things while the sisters handled any necessary swindling.

Of course, all of this was assisted by the fact she could be an invisibl ASSHOLE! just like Zer0.

Katana became terrifying and followed exactly in Zer0’s footsteps, to absolutely no one’s surprise. Although they severely preferred sword to sniper rifle they can shoot well enough. But the blade is where they excelled. Creepily, if asked, they’ll tell you they prefer to do their killing up close and personal.

They are now often gone for long stretches of time, usually only coming back when Atlas or one of their family members has specific use for them. Often, Rhys makes things up to get them to come home. They know it’s always just busy work and an excuse to see them. They come home anyways.

Calypso got what she wanted, she always did. Her Atlas position was essentially made up and simply amounted to “I’m getting the company when daddy retires so you have to do what I say.”

Spoiled a bit rotten, Calypso ended up oddly human. Or rather, she wanted to be. As she got older it was upsetting to her she didn’t- and couldn't- look more like Rhys. Unhappy with her alien shell she took to wearing long curly brown wigs and putting on makeup in efforts to look more like a human. While others still trended towards overtly practical clothing, Calypso always wanted the latest fashions from all around Pandora.

Of course, she still didn’t. Stiff, emotionless carapace for a face and all. But it seemed to make her happy so nobody questioned it.

Another thing Calypso didn’t have in common with the others was an intense interest in anything romantic. To her dismay, Rhys insisted that she was going to have to wait until she was eighteen to try and date any humans. Despite twelve being their “adult” age it was far from a human’s and when dealing with humans she’d have to play by their rules. She agonizes over this.

It was odd for Rhys, seeing his kids move out at twelve. Well, for Connie it had been ten but the rest gave him a couple more years. He didn’t think of them as adults but they were nonetheless.

Things went as back to normal as possible when the kids all left. It was weird having just him and Zer0 in the house again like before. Rhys became more uncomfortable now when Zer0’d leave for long missions though, having not been completely alone in the apartment for twelve years. He dealt with it though.

Of course, Rhys and Zer0 had discussed the future. That meant Zer0 learning a lot more about humans, Rhy learning more about… whatever the hell Zer0 and the kid are. The most depressing fact being Zer0 will outlive Rhys by over a hundred years.

Led to an odd conversation where Rhys learned Zer0 absolutely had no idea what old people are. They just thought some humans were grey, wrinkly, and forgetful.

Things reached a new normal though, eventually, as they always did.


End file.
